Motherly What?

I'm sorry but I don't feel those emotions I'm 'supposed' to. Babycenter.com is telling me to write a letter to my baby and we can read it together later. Ummm ok.. Dear baby, stop kicking me! Sincerely, Me. Celine Dion wrote a song for her baby, A new day has come, she goes on about how she sees a light in the sky and angels and this pure love. Yeah sorry I don't see those things.

I'm reading these forums where these expectant mothers can't wait to see their little princess or little man. I just can't wait to get my body back, it's a bit unnerving knowing there is another human squirming around inside you and feeding off of you. And the constant fatigue and backaches aren't fun either.

Am I evil or something? Am i missing that motherly instinct gene? Or is this whole process just really creepy? I don't know *sigh*

Letter for my Love

Exactly one year ago, I was sitting in IBA City campus' Prayer Room. I was waiting for the shuttle back to Main campus. I decided to write a letter to my soon-to-be hubby, not to be delivered to him of course cuz I never had the guts to tell him how I really felt until after we were married. But by then I was totally into him the poor guy just didn't know it. There were exactly two months left till our wedding. The invitations were printed, most of my shopping was done, jewelry and dresses were being prepared. I was a mixture of nervousness, anxiety for my finals that were to fall on dates around the wedding functions, and a sense of fulfillment that finally we'll be together. I never let him catch on how strongly I felt and later I found out he was convinced I had zero feelings for him. lol but I wanted to tell him when we were free to talk face to face as husband and wife. And i did after our Nikkah. After that there were no doubts, no anxieties, no pressure. Alhamdulillah its been the sweetest ride since then. And now we've travelled halfway across the woirld together to start a new phase of life. InshaAllah it'll be good, just gotta keep praying :)

Rukhsati for Real

I'm finally leaving my parents' house behind and it's killing me. The worst part is that they're not even there waiting for me to come visit. No one's there. All the love that was built into each inch is disappearing. Everyone has moved on and no one seems to feel it but me. I don't wanna shut down and lock up this place. I want it to live and buzz with people and excitement. But it looks like it'll just turn into a ghost house with its furniture covered with sheets, empty cabinets and dusty air.  This was not what my parents had in mind when they put everything into building it. But sadly, no one knows where life will take them and what's in store ahead. All we can do is pray for the best. Oh Allah please protect my house and fill it with happiness again soon.

Constant headache

i don't know what it is but the pounding in my head won't go away. So many worries swirling around, don't let me sleep or maybe its my bulging belly that makes it difficult. The visa, the delivery, the anomaly scan, domicile, officers refusing us on petty issues. I pray and pray, silently, out loud, after prayers, during the day. I know my Lord hears me and won't put me through anything I can't handle but Oh Allah I'm tooo weak to handle anything major now. I used to be strong but his sweetness and care has turned me to butter, how can I be fierce and brave when he's such a strong shield? All i do is worry now and pray for him and us. Allah please help!!

Shadow

It's sad really, to not be brave enough to get what you want; to linger in the past; to not move forward and be different than what you were before; to be so meek and shy; to not be loud and proud. But I guess it's not your fault, it's nature vs. nurture- your environment brought you down. Whatever spark you might have once had, however dim, never got a chance to shine and was squashed a long time ago. Now there's little chance of moving out of the shadow. I hope and pray you do though, it's just not fair otherwise...

I also want to thank my mommy and daddy who gave me the right push and atmosphere to give me confidence to speak my mind, to make my own choices, to be proud of who I am, and not be afraid of what others might think. I read a quote somewhere- what others think of you is none of your business. Lol it's true I guess, why should I care about what they're saying? I'm never going to please them all so I might as well please myself and my Creator. *sigh* I love my brave mama and daddy, may Allah bless them, I pray to give my baby the same upbringing they gave me and my bro and sis (or even something close to it!)

Big Girls Don't Cry

I was feeling guilty to leave this all behind. I was supposed to be the caretaker and now I'm abandoning it? I also felt proud to be the only one in touch with the family's belongings and through it with our sweet history and memories. But as I sat in my purple room and looked around at my juvenile things- a red hula hoop, my ski bear snow globe, my silly stuffed penguin and other cutesy stuff, I realized I gotta move on. Who is it helping if i hold on to the past? There's no way but forward. Of course I can always come back and relive my carefree days from time to time but now i have to grow up for realz! Not only are we moving but a new life is coming into our lives InshaAllah. I can't be the baby anymore- someone else is taking that position. It's definitely scary but I have faith in my Lord and i have my support system by me. InshaAllah it'll be ok. I'll be brave cuz big girls don't cry.

Sorry, wrong address

I was awake in bed, thinking I was in my purple room, wrapped in my pink heart blanket, that my mama was having breakfast downstairs. But when I opened my eyes I was here, in this grey room with green curtains o.O My mind said run, get out. I felt like I would be caught for trespassing. Odd one out. Stranger. Alien. But apparently I've been living here for awhile. Silly me, guess I forgot.

Scarf and Gown

IBA announced the convocation date for the batch of 2011.  I got goosebumps seeing the ad and also a sinking feeling having realized 'this is it'-We're officially graduating! It's a bittersweet feeling I guess. It'll be the first time I'll actually wear a cap and gown (that is if you don't count my kindergarten graduation).  It'll be awesome to see everyone together again, receive our degrees, and party later. But you know what's even more awesome? Neither my mom nor my dad will be there to see me graduate! They put me through school and won't even be there to see the final result. That's just...awesome =/ But hey, Insh Allah my hubby can make it and cheer me on =) Even so, I'm thankful for all that my parents (and siblings) had to put up with to get me this far. I really must have annoyed the heck out of them. May Allah bless you all! I love you so much.

Losing

When the people around you are totally opposite you; when your in a less than dominant position; when you have little chance of escape; when you're brain damagingly useless; when you have a destination that seems so far out of reach; you're bound to go crazy right? Or are you supposed to just blend in as the saying goes if you can't beat em, join em? But oh God! I so don't want to be like them. I love me and my silliness and my ability to smile for more than 3 seconds, to laugh at loud, to jump around to a fun song, to go out and try, to accept new things, to change, to grow, to move on and not hold on to the past. I refuse to blend in. I will not become like you and God forbid I ever do!

But what's freaking me out is that I think I slowly am :( I'm starting to think things aren't possible, that going against the system will cause too much trouble, that things aren't worth my efforts, that I should just stay on one track without thinking if it's what I really want. I don't know. It feels like I'm slowly giving up. My spunk, my edge, my sarcasm, my goofy humor it's all going down the drain. Even my writing has gone towards the dull side. I used to be able to make my sister laugh like crazy- I can't even do that anymore. I used to have non-serious fights with my brother, I could call him whatever and the next moment we'd be fine- I don't even have the guts to call him a jerk anymore! I used to laugh at silly commercials on TV. I used to sing out loud with my favorite songs. I've been on my best behavior for so long now! Is this what becoming a mature adult is? Or is this losing your personality to a dull and lifeless environment? God, I don't want to lose myself!

33

Today is my parent's 33rd wedding anniversary. Or I should say it would have been. But how amazing is it to stay so strong, united as one for 30+ years. We can look to them as an example of what marriage should be- teamwork, sacrifice, love, respect, and an element of fun and adventure. If my marriage comes out anywhere near that, I would be happy. Of course its only been 3 months (less than that actually) and we haven't really faced any life changing hurdles (thankfully) but from what I've seen and felt so far is that we are pretty good together Alhamdulillah and will continue to grow stronger and closer together over time InshAllah. Hugs for my sweetheart!

2 Years

No I still don't believe it. I still think he's back in New York or travelling somewhere else and just can't call home. Yes I do pray for him every chance I get but the realization has still not come (and I pray it never comes!)

It's funny how this pain had made me so expressive. I would vent out all the hurt and shock on this very forum. But this new love, this new sense of security has left me speechless somehow. I'm honestly blank; I have no words except... Thank God there's you.

Abandon Me

Sometimes it feels like I'm totally alone. I'm looking at pictures and missing my family soooo much. I know it sucks but I can't be there for my mom and so she had to move back and I know it's pointless but oh how I wish my daddy was here for her. It's so heartbreaking that when it was finally their alone time, after all the struggle and hard work, it was his time to go. Oh Allah give them both peace. But looking at our old family pictures reminds me of how happy we were, so close, so perfect. Now we're scattered around the world and beyond. My only source of comfort is my sweetheart. I pray I always have him by my side. Love you!

Another time, another place

Im looking at old photographs and thinking did all that really happen only a few years ago? Maybe it's my bad memory but everything seems like it happened ages ago. Even IBA, which just ended a month back, seems a distant and vague recollection. I want to hold on to those memories and feelings longer but somehow they're slipping away.

The mama-and-me team

Now that I'm away from home with not much to do, I can't help but look back over the last few months. My mom and I did so much stuff together not just for the weddings but other major tasks too, we made a great team. i sometimes feel guilty for breaking it up but life has to move on right? Almost two years of continuous one-on-one time and it made me realize what a strong, smart, steadfast, brave and adorable woman my mama is. I'm so proud of her and hope I can be even a tiny bit like her. love you mama!

Finally Mine

Remember those walls I built

Well, baby they're tumbling down

And they didn't even put up a fight

They didn't even make a sound

I found a way to let you in

But I never really had a doubt

Standing in the light of your halo

I got my angel now

Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Baby I can see your halo

You know your my saving grace

You're everything I need and more

It's written all over your face

Baby I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away

-Beyonce

Where did this come from? It's like a switch flipped inside me as soon as I signed those papers. All I could think was now he's mine, we're together now forever Inshallah. how awesome :) Alhamdulillah.