Burden

The current scenario is blatantly telling me that I'm a burden on everyone. I'm not pulling my weight, dumping my problems on others and stopping those close to me from living their lives. I feel like a useless jerk, taking up other people's time and efforts just so I can benefit. It really sucks. And once one party 'gets rid of me', my responsibility will be thrust upon another poor soul. Lol God help him! If only I were able to live without such powerless-ness and reliance on others, I'd rather be the one other people relied on.

Panic Attack!

heart pounding, knees shaking, hands jittery, body shivering, mind blurring, vision hazy... yup sounds like panic to me!

Brown bagging it- but not for long...

So I woke up extremely late today and I had about five minutes to get ready for school. I rushed, actually stormed, around my room gathering the stuff I needed for the day and my stomache was rumbling with hunger pangs ( which is funny cuz I hardly ever feel hungry anymore) anywho, when I got downstairs I saw my adorable mama had packed a lunch for me- a sandwich, apple and a pack of cookies in a neatly folded brown paper bag. My heart melted at the sight and I felt so blessed to have her with me. She is an awesome strength, a soft shoulder and a warm smile. She's done so much for us for so long and I hardly ever appreciated her for it. And then it hit me- after a few more months, I'll be out of this home, so far from her and all that I've ever known, living on my own, on someone else's turf; with people expecting me to be smart, to handle it all gracefully. Eeek! how will I manage? How can I, retarded Madiha, possibly take care of myself (and another family) without her? *sigh* seems like my brown bagging days are coming to an end.

Click

These upcoming midterms are making me nostalgic for things that are yet to occur. I wish I had that remote control Adam Sandler had in Click. I want to freeze the next few months and watch them go by in slow motion. I want to savor these last few months of zero responsibility, adorable friends, acting silly, having tons to study but never sitting down and focusing, my overall laziness, and daydreaming about the future. I'm going to miss everything so much- the campus, the people (even the ones I didn't like so much or who were just downright annoying), my office and PC, the crazy teachers, the blood-sucking projects and assignments, making powerpoint slides a few hours before presenting, using technology to 'help' each other on not-so-surprise quizzes, the feeling of belonging and of course the countless, senseless and yet so meaningful convos we had. I'll miss it all soooo much, I wish I could hold on to it all, at least in memory, forever- No wonder they say IBA Forever! :)

The thread and tweezer

I'm in a pickle..a dilemma..i'm so confused!!

Shaping my eyebrows is...(was?!)... so critical to my 'beautification' it was the only thing that made me feel pretty (apart from my mascara and eyeliner)... i felt so confident and sure of myself after i got them threaded.. i looked good for a while but I just recently (Actually just a few minutes ago) found out that it's actually HARAM?!?! HOw? WHy? What am I gonna do now?! I'm literally in tears right now... You know I stopped wearing eye make-up to university cuz i get that it's defeating the purpose of hijab but my eyebrows were like really important to me... Am I whining and complaining for no reason?-yes, but this is too scary! you do not want to see me without threaded eyebrows--trust me! Oh the uglinessss!

The Hadith says you're not supposed to change Allah's creation so that includes plucking and cutting facial hair (so i guess that applies to men too and them shaving their beards?) except in the case where you look really ugly and your husband is grossed out by you! (I don't think I fall in that category..I hope :/) i read this girl's dilemma too: http://www.muslimah2muslimah.com/2009/03/to-pluck-or-not-to-pluck-that-is.html

Soo.... wow...Now I guess my eyebrows can breathe easy? No more plucking or threading? :/ Allah give me the strength to stay away from my tweezer...oooooh this will be a tough one!

Expectations...

I wonder what they expect from me...what he expects from me... I hope your expectations are not too high, too lofty, too grand because let's face it- i'm a loser! I don't have much to offer you and I doubt I will turn out the way you have pictured me... I'm not sweet, i'm not good looking, and i'm not very practical about life... so yeah... just putting that out there.. hope I didn't burst any bubbles here :)

The New Me?? :/

I feel different... i'm not angry all the time anymore, i'm not snippy and rude.... i don't have any sarcastic comebacks anymore... i'm actually nice (well, comparatively!) What happened to my edge? My 'screw-you' mentality? My smirks of contempt? It's as if I actually care about people! I think I would actually feel bad if someone were to trip and fall, before I would just point and laugh! I'm listening to sappy songs on my iPod (which is totally awesome!; thanks again =D) songs like heartbreaker and teenage dream! I'm not focusing on my assignments/projects/ papers.. I don't know...This is freaky.. this is weird.. this is sooo not me!! Maybe it's a good thing?...ugggh...who knows!

The Jealous Type

If something's mine-it's ONLY mine! I'm possessive, fiercely loyal, and won't take anyone interfering with my possessions in anyway! So back off, b^$#@ !!! >:)

I'm better than you- isn't it obvious?!

It's great that you're religious, that you value your beleifs and stay true to them always, but I guess I missed the part where that makes you better than me. You're wrapped up in 10 feet of fabric from head to toe and you ask me to take off my hijab and hand it over to you so you can pray?! Ummm... did your nikab cut off circulation to your brain woman?! What kind of request is that anyway? Do you honestly think I'd whip it off and cover you up in it? Like my hijab is less important than yours?

I dunno... people are weird! Somehow, religion has become a sort of status symbol that people pride over, distinguish themselves based on it, and make others seem inferior because of it. Hello! Have you forgotten a very important Islamic teaching- it's called humility- look it up!

Succession... hmphh

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven...

I don't want his money, or his property, or his belongings- I want him back! It's all his hard work and effort I wish he was still here to use it. Can't we just leave it all the way he left it? I know even Islam gives provisions about inheritance but I just don't want it. I just don't...

Goody-two-shoes

I've never done anything bad.. like something I would regret later.. like something stupid or reckless..something I know i shouldn't do... like... sheesh.. i can't even think of anything bad! I've always been the good girl, the nice quiet sweet girl. now people who know me for real know I'm not exactly that but my image, appearance, and behavior never betray my underlying personality. Sometimes I wish it did. Why am I always thinking of the consequences, forseeing the shitload of trouble I'd get in to or just what people would think of me if I did anything crazy. I guess I'm scared of getting hurt, embarrased or hurting people who care about me... I thought your teen years/ early-twenties was when you could let loose, do whatever, and you would be forgiven your mistakes- taken as an error in judgement. Why have I never thought this way- that mistakes I make now would be/ can be forgiven. I always felt that if I do something wrong, it'll haunt me forever. Man, I hate being sensible...this sucks- I wanna have fun!

Crap

so i just cleaned my room (actually just my dressing table) after about... one year! Dayem! i have a habit of collecting junk cuz i mite need it one day like the little plastic seal that comes off deodorant sticks (haven't found a use for it yet!) or dried up nail polishes (cuz they're too pretty to throw away) or packaging for a mascara that dried up a year ago (umm.. i dunno)

my next target is my desk. that'll be trickier cuz there more 'important' things on my desk like envelopes from last year's (and years before that) Eidis and receipts for the box of pens and gum i bought a few months ago and a few other emo stuff like uboo's blood sugar monitor and the boarding pass for that plane ride to NY which ended in Qatar. Speaking of that trip I still haven't unpacked the suitcase I took with me. It still has his medical reports and his medicines and other necessities in there. It even has a few of my clothes (no wonder i never have anything to wear!). The suitcase still has the blasted Qatar Airlines tag on it with that weird goat-head logo. *sigh* I dunno when I'll get up the nerve to get rid of this stuff. If i can hold on to a gum wrapper which means absolutely nothing to me for more than two years, how long do you think I can hold on to the things I took with me on that fateful trip?... I give myself... about ten years!

Loyal

Even if the sky is falling down?

Bubble Bursting

It amazes me how people can go on with their lives so oblivious to the facts and events around them. How they can be completely unaffected by things- trivial things, big things. They all seem to glide on past them without a second glance. Is it calousness? Or is it a defence mechanism? I used to be like that- clueless, oblvious, not a care in the world. Things would always turn out right. That was oblivion. Now it's my defence. If I start to think about all that's going on- the trivial and the not-so-trivial, I would literally explode. My world isn't rosy anymore and I don't have glasses tinted dark enough to hide the ugliness so it's better if I just close my eyes...

Just go with it

Here's a lil Desi lyrical touch:

Junglon mein bhee raaste tou hain

Humey bhee koee mil hee jaye ga

Chalo tho sahi, chalo tho sahi

Aitebar bhi ahee jaye ga

- Vital Signs

Rough translation: Just go with it. Why get caught up in things you really can't control and why should you be afraid of the unknown? Things tend to work out on their own and most people have the ability to adapt and make situations work for themselves. Then after the tough time is over we wonder how it could possibly be any other way. I'm letting go. If it's meant to be; it'll be. I don't want to drive myself crazy with my doubts, suspicions, over-the-top fears, and uncertainties. I know they will keep creeping in in the form of dreams (read: nightmares) but I have to have faith in Allah; He will never send anything my way that I won't be able to handle. And when I ask for it, He will definitely help me through it. Have Faith...

PS: Like the new look?

Smile for him

Yesterday marked a whole year since he left... its all still fresh in my mind..we had only left him a few hours ago and then it was his turn to leave us-forever.

I had written and even published a really heartfelt and i admit depressing post. i took it down cuz I don't wanna be sad when I think of him. Yes he's gone but I don't wanna cry when I think about it i wanna smile and thank Allah for the time He gave us together. And I hope his spirit feels my smile too.

Memory: Black marks on my bedroom wall. They've been there for years. They're from my dad's sandals that he used to chase away the nasty lizards that managed to sneak into my room. My daddy, my hero :)

Success Story... not quite

Am i just too idealistic? Do i expect too much out of people? If i want someone important in my life to be successful, to not settle for less, to go out and do what they love to do and are in fact good at, is that asking too much?

I imagine myself in their place and then want to shoot them for being so blind so ungrateful so freakin lazy! You have this opportunity to do things, to go out and make a name for yourself. Fine. Let's be practical you won't become an overnight success but for the love of god go out and TRY!!! Why settle for such an option that you know you're unworthy of. You deserve so much more, your family does... Why settle without a fight?

uh-oh

so it's been like two days since I've gotten done with everything- school and internship- and im totalllly bored!!! how am i gonna spend the next month with absolutely nothing to do!? oh and don't get me started on the stay-at-home-eat-on-sight weight gain eek!

Ventilation system

I actually went back and read all the posts I've put up so far. I started blogging when life had taken a very bad turn. At that time I was 100% sure we would get out of it fine, that it was just a scare and nothing more. But then it only got worse and I ended up losing my dad to it...

Of course the whole ordeal was heartbreaking and all the emotions and feelings I put into those posts are absolutely true. But the great thing about writing them at those low points when I'm feeling my worse is that they actually lessen those emotions as if as soon those thoughts are translated into words and sent off into cyberspace I'm immediately relieved of them. I don't have to torture myself with them or face them silently. They're out there in the open no longer hidden no longer haunting me-my perfect way to heal. Of course there's a lot more healing to do as this scar runs way deep but I'm getting there one post at a time...

Freaky dreams

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible

-Shontelle

Have you ever had a dream that stuck with you the whole day and every time you think about it it brings back the same feelings? I have a few of those dreams most are pleasant, joyful even. But some are... painful.

These past few weeks I was happy. I was working in the same office my daddy used to work. It's nice to meet people who knew him and remember him in such honorable terms. I liked being known around the office as his daughter. then today this dream, this vision totally brought me down. I'm not sure of the details but it just reminded me that he's gone that he won't be there for any future events; for the tough times; for the happy times; for support; for strength; for courage... Life sucks as it is and to go through it without the one who always has your back; the one who would never hurt you or abandon you? Life sucks tenfold!

I know people care about me but it's not the same. It can never be the same. This is something I thought would be impossible... God give me strength!!