It's Not So Bad...

I can make it thru the rain

I can stand up once again on my own

And i know that I'm strong enough to mend

And every time i feel afraid i hold tighter to my faith

And i live one more day and i make it thru the rain.

-Mariah Carey

I guess things aren't as bad as they seemed before. Things seem to be in control now. (sort of). at least now i feel i shouldn't bring myself down by thinking of all the tough times we've been through. Allah blessed us with so many happy memories and occasions; it would be wrong to overlook them and just dwell on the not-so-great stuff. I should reminisce about the warm moments we had, all the sweet things he would do, and all the valuable things he taught me. and i know its going to be hard not having him around to witness new happy occasions but we'll find a way to include him. he's a part of all of us anyway, so he will be there in spirit and he will join in the happiness along with us. He will never be forgotten and I will always be so proud to be known as his daughter. i pray all his kind and generous deeds have travelled with him and act as proof of the pious and noble life he led. may Allah bless him with peace in the grave and a heavenly abode in the afterlife where Inshallah we will all reunite and share in unimaginable happiness. Ameen.

Don't Be a Wuss

its ridiculous how I'm always falling part. i can't control my emotions anymore.its like i have no more strength left. i need constant self pep-talks to get through each mundane task. i keep having to tell myself just get this one thing done then treat yourself with something yummy just to get my mind off him. i don't know why every little thing is reminding me of him and bringing me to tears. i thought it was supposed to get easier as time passed but it only seems to be getting worse.

And then i start thinking (worrying) about the future. how will i fulfill my responsibility towards her? how will she live here alone? and what's most frustrating is that i won't even be in control of anything, I'll just be following this person around wherever they choose to go and i won't be able to stay and look after her. what if something goes wrong? what if she gets hurt? what if I'm not there to help her? how will i forgive myself if anything happened to her? and i know it would all be my fault cuz i wasn't there to protect her. how would i live with such guilt? these thoughts constantly bombard my mind now and there's nothing i can do to stop them. i try praying but that only calms me for so long. i need answers and good answers at that.

you know what else drives me crazy? This cruel and selfish world. its like every one's out to get you and take advantage of you. no one has any compassion or sympathy they're all blood-thirsty vultures waiting for you to drop your guard for one second. they're actually happy that we're suffering they actually smiled and laughed at the funeral. what kind of heartless monsters are you?! just wait to you die you.... no i shouldn't... who knows in what state of Iman I'll die... i can't wish ill for those lowlifes. they'll get theres when its time. some even have the audacity to say that we have no right to talk cuz they have dealt with daddy int he past, not us and we cant even defend our position because that sole eyewitness is no more. how unbelievably cruel to take advantage of that situation and get something that you know isn't yours. don't worry you'll get yours too.

that's the one thing that gives me hope. they'll all get whats coming to them. you reap what you sow. as for me i gotta get it together, keep it together; for her, for me, for our sanity. so suck it up and stop being a wuss!!!