Loyal

Even if the sky is falling down?

Bubble Bursting

It amazes me how people can go on with their lives so oblivious to the facts and events around them. How they can be completely unaffected by things- trivial things, big things. They all seem to glide on past them without a second glance. Is it calousness? Or is it a defence mechanism? I used to be like that- clueless, oblvious, not a care in the world. Things would always turn out right. That was oblivion. Now it's my defence. If I start to think about all that's going on- the trivial and the not-so-trivial, I would literally explode. My world isn't rosy anymore and I don't have glasses tinted dark enough to hide the ugliness so it's better if I just close my eyes...

Just go with it

Here's a lil Desi lyrical touch:

Junglon mein bhee raaste tou hain

Humey bhee koee mil hee jaye ga

Chalo tho sahi, chalo tho sahi

Aitebar bhi ahee jaye ga

- Vital Signs

Rough translation: Just go with it. Why get caught up in things you really can't control and why should you be afraid of the unknown? Things tend to work out on their own and most people have the ability to adapt and make situations work for themselves. Then after the tough time is over we wonder how it could possibly be any other way. I'm letting go. If it's meant to be; it'll be. I don't want to drive myself crazy with my doubts, suspicions, over-the-top fears, and uncertainties. I know they will keep creeping in in the form of dreams (read: nightmares) but I have to have faith in Allah; He will never send anything my way that I won't be able to handle. And when I ask for it, He will definitely help me through it. Have Faith...

PS: Like the new look?

Success Story... not quite

Am i just too idealistic? Do i expect too much out of people? If i want someone important in my life to be successful, to not settle for less, to go out and do what they love to do and are in fact good at, is that asking too much?

I imagine myself in their place and then want to shoot them for being so blind so ungrateful so freakin lazy! You have this opportunity to do things, to go out and make a name for yourself. Fine. Let's be practical you won't become an overnight success but for the love of god go out and TRY!!! Why settle for such an option that you know you're unworthy of. You deserve so much more, your family does... Why settle without a fight?

Clueless

Two years later and I'm still clueless...

On the Clock

Right now I'm literally on the clock. I took some time out cuz I got really bored reading up on and preparing a report on the research process. It got me thinking though, as usual, I just started contemplating different scenarios and possibilities.

This time I was thinking about working full time. Its not about money, its not about getting to the top, its not about being power hungry and its not about being a hot shot. (hey that rhymed sort of)...The little work experience that I have had, I know I enjoyed it thoroughly. I like being associated with something bigger than me, to particiapte in making things happen, to be productive and useful and of course a paycheck only makes it sweeter. i wonder though that after I stop studying (I was gonna say complete my studies but I still have the teeny tiny desire to study further but not any time soon) so after I stop studying I wonder if I would be able to step into the business world and shake things up. I wonder if i would be able to manage my responsibilites completly. The work-life balance is a tricky one to master and I doubt if I am one to do it well. I would love to tho I mean that would be awesome but both sides are so demanding of your time, energy, and patience. How do these women handle it all? i'm sure they have domestic help something I totally despise (why should i have some poor woman run around and clean up my mess? so what if she's paid to do it?! It just seems i dunno irresponsible and snooty) and I'm sure they feel they're missing out on some things- if they give more time to work they miss out at home and if they take time out for the home they get left back at work. It's a sticky situation. but i keep thinking about how rewarding it would be to work-not just the money the internal satisfaction and pride you feel when you know you've finished something or been a part of something huge (or small). I dunno.. i do know i wanna work i just don't know how i'll manage it all...........

fake fake fake

I was trying to fly but I couldn't find wings...

Taylor Swift

Contacts/networks/sources only work when the original 'contact-maker' is involved in the process. No one really recognizes the daughter of said contact-maker and no one really gives a damn when the contact-maker is not in the picture. Sure they'll throw you a bone for old time's sake but then they kinda give you the impression like 'seriously you thought we would take you in?! haha uh.. no!' and sure they're really nice, polite, and 'caring' but when it comes down to it they just aren't gonna help. It's funny how people change when circumstances change. It's funny how you don't know people's motives and intentions beforehand. I wish people could stay steadfast and pure in their intentions. I wish for a lot of silly things don't I? I expect too much from humanity. When will I get it through my thick skull that people aren't nice, they don't care, they have their own motivations and helping out someone else's kid for the sake of helping someone out is not one of them. Well you know what man, I am my father's daughter i can manage without your help. I'm not some poor soul, defenseless, and lost. I have my Almighty's love and my daddy's spirit right by my side so screw you and your fake support! :P

Next day retraction: Some people are nice, like really really nice. See the world ain't so bad

I wish I was.... me!

Despite my many (many) flaws I've come to forgive myself for whatever. For not being so smart with numbers, for not being a social butterfly, for not living up to my own expectations at times, for not getting what I set out to get. Whatever, it's all good! No one can be great at everything and no one can have it all. And yeah I do have an external locus of control. I beleive in destiny- it'll be if it's meant to be. I can't fight what's already been set out for me. It's taken me time to realize it but now I'm comfortable in my own skin. I like me and I don't ever wish I was anyone else. Of course I do wish I can keep improving myself and grow into something better but that 'something better' should be an improved picture of me- not a reflection of anyone else.


It surprises me when people complain about how they wish they were different somehow, had things that others have, had that girl's hair, her eyes, her personality. Seriously? why? Why can't you be happy with what you have? Appreciate your own attributes? You do have it you just don't want to see it. You just like wallowing in self-pity. Be happy with you, content with what you have, grateful for it all. just for a second imagine not even having this much... (sends a chill down your spine right?)


I mean, it's such a drag to hear people go on and on about how they suck at this or aren't good enough for that. Get over it man! Look at what you do have!! Look at what you can do!! If you just realize that, you'll be a much happier person. And maybe I won't have to hear you complain anymore :)

Stay strong and carry on...

I've been reading again and rediscovering things I once knew and let slip my mind. How could I let myself get so caught up in this life when there is one more after this? One much more important and eternal. Even with such a stark reminder of it in my life, i went on as if oblivious to it all. Yes, i acknowledged it but did I really envision it? Did I really grasp it? I don't think, so otherwise I wouldn't be so weak, ungrateful and loserly. I would be making an effort to please Allah rather than wasting my time in redundant activities. I rediscovered an old nasheed I used to listen to when i was younger and it brought such a flash of insight and i didn't like what i saw in myself. This world as horrible and painful as it is still grasps you and holds your attention that you forget whats truly important- your eternal life.

I think one good way of staying on track is to review your day every night. Note what you didn't like about what you did and avoid it the next day. But that's the thing how can you be sure of the next day or even the next hour?! My soul could pass on this very moment and it will be bearing these deeds ( of which I am sure the evil ones weigh heaviest). I'm reminded of another nasheed "What did I do Today?". Did I use my time; did I use my mind; if I search my heart what will I find; the light of your guidance is a glimmering ray; tell me what did i do today?

I just pray I can follow through with my intentions of improving myself-boy do I need it!