My Pride

The Philosophy professor said something today that hit me like a brick. He was talking about when something you deeply love, something very dear to you di- (i can't say it) .. passes away, it changes you, it transforms you into something so different you're unrecognizable. He called it a paradigm shift. Knowing that the thing (or person) you cherished is now lying in a deep dark cold grave; you can never be the same. You become humble, more honest, more practical, the world seems a less welcoming place to live; things that once seemed so important that you would devote hours to them now seem trivial and unworthy of your time. The saddest thing he said was that you can't pride over them anymore you have nothing to show to the world now. All that love compassion and emotions that created this pure relationship are gone. It leaves you hollow like some part of you was carved out, chisled away. Thinking about that just made me feel so empty but then I thought WAIT A MINUTE!. I'm still my father's daughter, I still have the love he gave me, i still have his support and encouragement, I still have all he's taught me, I still have him with me maybe not in person but in mind, spirit and heart. So there, you silly old 'lover of wisdom'. You ain't so wise after all! =P

No One Lives Here Anymore

It's my house, I've been living here for 7 years now and never have I felt scared anxious or freaked out, not once. It's the same house I look at in pictures and in home videos. What's changed? But a couple of nights ago when I went on the roof for a bit I actually got shivers and goosebumps as if I had a premonition of something really really bad. What something? I'm not quite sure of that but it was scary and I wished I could have just ran away. This feeling of intense fear and dread spread over me as easily as the cool night air rustled the branches of the neem tree across the street. It seemed as if something evil was watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike, waiting for me to lose my guard and then it would pounce, attacking my very being and all those that are important to me. And all this happened within a span of a few seconds. My mind visualized all these gruesome and horrid images so fluidly as if they once truly did happen right before my eyes. You can be sure i ran downstairs in a panic but not before slamming the roof's metal door to scare away whatever evil lurked near my house. What was that? Why did my mind show me such horrible things? Will I really lose the people I care about? What's wrong? It's as if it's just me now and no one lives here anymore....

It's Time

I stopped wearing your watch a few days ago. I guess because when I asked myself why am I wearing this? I couldn't come up with any sane answers. they mostly included cuz it was my daddy's! (so?) ; cuz I should keep it safe for him (.....) ; cuz it reminds me of him (aawww) ; and others which my heart can't properly communicate to my brain. Its not that I want to forget you or anything , as if that's even possible, I just thought I should give myself a break I mean it was kind of like an emotional burden travelling around with me throughout my day always reminding me of why Im wearing the watch and not him. So i just didn't put it on one morning and that was that, I felt better, a little relieved from the burden, and my heart didn't have to break everytime I looked at my wrist... i still keep it safe on my desk so its all good...love you!

6 months later

Its kinda hard with you not around

Know you in heaven smiling down

Watching us while we pray for you

Every day we pray for you

nope, i still can't grasp the fact that he's not coming home again.......

Dreams Suck 2

Again, they really do!!!

I just had a dream about him last night. he was in the hospital, perfectly happy healthy he looked great to me... he was annoyed at being kept there for so long..he needed to get up, get to work, get out of that dreadful dreary room but those stupid doctors were keeping him for no reason. then me and him decided to sneak out... i un-hooked all those horrid IVs gushing poison into my daddy he sprung up off the bed and we ran out of there before those monstrous nurses could get us... i woke up thinking he was home, in his room, probably getting ready to go to work... imagine my dismay when i realized that was so from the truth...

And it's funny that i only remember him happy and healthy i have very little recollection of how he looked when he was sick. being the deranged person that i am, i took pictures of him during that time but i can't bring myself to look at them...i only want to see him in my mind's eye as he always was- strong, sweet and happy...

It's Not So Bad...

I can make it thru the rain

I can stand up once again on my own

And i know that I'm strong enough to mend

And every time i feel afraid i hold tighter to my faith

And i live one more day and i make it thru the rain.

-Mariah Carey

I guess things aren't as bad as they seemed before. Things seem to be in control now. (sort of). at least now i feel i shouldn't bring myself down by thinking of all the tough times we've been through. Allah blessed us with so many happy memories and occasions; it would be wrong to overlook them and just dwell on the not-so-great stuff. I should reminisce about the warm moments we had, all the sweet things he would do, and all the valuable things he taught me. and i know its going to be hard not having him around to witness new happy occasions but we'll find a way to include him. he's a part of all of us anyway, so he will be there in spirit and he will join in the happiness along with us. He will never be forgotten and I will always be so proud to be known as his daughter. i pray all his kind and generous deeds have travelled with him and act as proof of the pious and noble life he led. may Allah bless him with peace in the grave and a heavenly abode in the afterlife where Inshallah we will all reunite and share in unimaginable happiness. Ameen.

Don't Be a Wuss

its ridiculous how I'm always falling part. i can't control my emotions anymore.its like i have no more strength left. i need constant self pep-talks to get through each mundane task. i keep having to tell myself just get this one thing done then treat yourself with something yummy just to get my mind off him. i don't know why every little thing is reminding me of him and bringing me to tears. i thought it was supposed to get easier as time passed but it only seems to be getting worse.

And then i start thinking (worrying) about the future. how will i fulfill my responsibility towards her? how will she live here alone? and what's most frustrating is that i won't even be in control of anything, I'll just be following this person around wherever they choose to go and i won't be able to stay and look after her. what if something goes wrong? what if she gets hurt? what if I'm not there to help her? how will i forgive myself if anything happened to her? and i know it would all be my fault cuz i wasn't there to protect her. how would i live with such guilt? these thoughts constantly bombard my mind now and there's nothing i can do to stop them. i try praying but that only calms me for so long. i need answers and good answers at that.

you know what else drives me crazy? This cruel and selfish world. its like every one's out to get you and take advantage of you. no one has any compassion or sympathy they're all blood-thirsty vultures waiting for you to drop your guard for one second. they're actually happy that we're suffering they actually smiled and laughed at the funeral. what kind of heartless monsters are you?! just wait to you die you.... no i shouldn't... who knows in what state of Iman I'll die... i can't wish ill for those lowlifes. they'll get theres when its time. some even have the audacity to say that we have no right to talk cuz they have dealt with daddy int he past, not us and we cant even defend our position because that sole eyewitness is no more. how unbelievably cruel to take advantage of that situation and get something that you know isn't yours. don't worry you'll get yours too.

that's the one thing that gives me hope. they'll all get whats coming to them. you reap what you sow. as for me i gotta get it together, keep it together; for her, for me, for our sanity. so suck it up and stop being a wuss!!!

Tears and typing = healing

I'm trying to remember all that happened this year. 2009. What a roller coaster year this has been. Allah has definitely blessed us with happiness and good fortune but it seems the trials and tribulations overshadow them. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because i know things could be way worse. But I just can't get past all the trauma we've witnessed: hospital visits, biopsies coming back positive, diagnosis: squamous cell carcinoma, surgeries and procedures, chemo, radiation, hair falling, weakness, depression, isolation, fear, IVs, needles, blood tests, x-rays, oxygen masks, doctors telling us to prepare ourselves, our last few days with him in stupid Doha (I'm NEVER going back there again) when he told me not to worry, the plane ride that separated us forever, that one last kiss I blew to my Daddy before they took him away, that evil red box that they carried him away in and then I just remember shock, tears, headaches, stomachaches, restless sleep, worry and prayer. Now I just pray for two things: for his forgiveness and that our lives turn out OK cuz I don't know what's in store for me and what's gonna happen later on. I try not to worry too much about it but i really can't help it. and then weird neighbors come over pretending to be sympathetic but then they say such cruel things in the sweetest tones and you want to get up and smack their stupid faces. Why do they think they know what we're going through? That they're coming over is the highlight of our day? Seriously lady, i don't give a damn about how you spend your day or where your kids go to school. i was having more fun sitting in the dark staring at a blank TV screen! I really don't need your fake sympathy and pats on the head! There now I feel better. This incoherent babbling may not nave made much sense to you but whatever at least i feel better...tears and typing = healing. im gonna need a lot more of that!!!

Memories

tears come so easily. they just emerge so effortlessly and at the slightest mention of him. just one memory, just one nanosecond-long flashback can trigger them -even if its not one of him suffering, its actually happy and warm but the realization that they're all i have left of him, crush my soul and produce this endless river of tears. i wonder if what everyone says is actually true, will it actually get better with time? will my life really become so full and enjoyable that i'll forget about him? isn't forgetting even worse than mourning? i don't want to forget what happened to him and i don't want to stop crying over him so don't expect me to put on a happy face and say everything's fine and if i act as if everything's fine, just know its only a facade.

My Life Would Suck Without You

You got a piece of me

And honestly

My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

- Kelly Clarkson

Listening to that track over and over like I was under some trance..i kept pushing the replay button as if listening to the next track would lead to some horrible chain of events that would rock the cosmos and blow us all to oblivion. The baby sitting next to me broke my reverie with a food fight, the track changed and I was unable to replay it. Miraculously, nothing exploded. That plane ride can easily be voted as my number one worst flight ever. I knew what I was leaving behind and what I was moving towards. Both sides scared me to tears. I felt guilty leaving him there alone with strangers and unfriendly faces. But I was also afraid to face the place I call home. Would it even be a home without him? But did I really have a choice? I had to come "home"; even though I knew my life, that home, would never be the same without him.

I'm sorry if I ever caused you pain or dissapointed you. You would sometimes call me your little angel. I wish I actually lived up to that. At the hospital you would keep telling me not to worry whenever you saw tears welling up in my eyes. I keep that advice in mind whenever I feel overwhelmed and scared. Inshallah everything will be fine. I pray I can live up to your expectations and dreams you had for me. I want you to be proud of me always. I pray you're at peace. I pray everyday for your forgiveness. I pray there is light where you are. I pray the Almighty is at peace with you. You worked long and hard for us and I love you for that. You deserve to rest now. You have paid your dues. You were always proud and resilient. I never saw you give in; even to the monster that finally... I wear your watch whenever I go out. It's still set to Doha time. I'll change it to local time someday.

In my mind you're not gone. You're just back in New York. I can't possibly accept that you're gone gone. You're just not here right now. We'll meet again someday Inshallah. We will meet again. We will... Love you!!