Smile for him

Yesterday marked a whole year since he left... its all still fresh in my mind..we had only left him a few hours ago and then it was his turn to leave us-forever.

I had written and even published a really heartfelt and i admit depressing post. i took it down cuz I don't wanna be sad when I think of him. Yes he's gone but I don't wanna cry when I think about it i wanna smile and thank Allah for the time He gave us together. And I hope his spirit feels my smile too.

Memory: Black marks on my bedroom wall. They've been there for years. They're from my dad's sandals that he used to chase away the nasty lizards that managed to sneak into my room. My daddy, my hero :)

Success Story... not quite

Am i just too idealistic? Do i expect too much out of people? If i want someone important in my life to be successful, to not settle for less, to go out and do what they love to do and are in fact good at, is that asking too much?

I imagine myself in their place and then want to shoot them for being so blind so ungrateful so freakin lazy! You have this opportunity to do things, to go out and make a name for yourself. Fine. Let's be practical you won't become an overnight success but for the love of god go out and TRY!!! Why settle for such an option that you know you're unworthy of. You deserve so much more, your family does... Why settle without a fight?

uh-oh

so it's been like two days since I've gotten done with everything- school and internship- and im totalllly bored!!! how am i gonna spend the next month with absolutely nothing to do!? oh and don't get me started on the stay-at-home-eat-on-sight weight gain eek!

Ventilation system

I actually went back and read all the posts I've put up so far. I started blogging when life had taken a very bad turn. At that time I was 100% sure we would get out of it fine, that it was just a scare and nothing more. But then it only got worse and I ended up losing my dad to it...

Of course the whole ordeal was heartbreaking and all the emotions and feelings I put into those posts are absolutely true. But the great thing about writing them at those low points when I'm feeling my worse is that they actually lessen those emotions as if as soon those thoughts are translated into words and sent off into cyberspace I'm immediately relieved of them. I don't have to torture myself with them or face them silently. They're out there in the open no longer hidden no longer haunting me-my perfect way to heal. Of course there's a lot more healing to do as this scar runs way deep but I'm getting there one post at a time...

Freaky dreams

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible

-Shontelle

Have you ever had a dream that stuck with you the whole day and every time you think about it it brings back the same feelings? I have a few of those dreams most are pleasant, joyful even. But some are... painful.

These past few weeks I was happy. I was working in the same office my daddy used to work. It's nice to meet people who knew him and remember him in such honorable terms. I liked being known around the office as his daughter. then today this dream, this vision totally brought me down. I'm not sure of the details but it just reminded me that he's gone that he won't be there for any future events; for the tough times; for the happy times; for support; for strength; for courage... Life sucks as it is and to go through it without the one who always has your back; the one who would never hurt you or abandon you? Life sucks tenfold!

I know people care about me but it's not the same. It can never be the same. This is something I thought would be impossible... God give me strength!!