Some things better left unsaid

the previous post(which you now cannot see cuz i removed it) may have been a lil too i dunno weird but whatever if it turns out to be an issue i'll post it back up but for now let's just leave it unsaid :)

Individualist?

free enneagram test
This Enneagram Type Test says Im a type 4- an individualist:
Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an
identity)
Enneagram Four with a Three-Wing: "The Aristocrat"
Enneagram Four with a Five-Wing: "The Bohemian"
Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer."


Sure I am moody and self-conscious and I try to hide reality through fantasy and imagination but an individualist? I never saw myself that way...hmmm.. interesting..

It's Time

I stopped wearing your watch a few days ago. I guess because when I asked myself why am I wearing this? I couldn't come up with any sane answers. they mostly included cuz it was my daddy's! (so?) ; cuz I should keep it safe for him (.....) ; cuz it reminds me of him (aawww) ; and others which my heart can't properly communicate to my brain. Its not that I want to forget you or anything , as if that's even possible, I just thought I should give myself a break I mean it was kind of like an emotional burden travelling around with me throughout my day always reminding me of why Im wearing the watch and not him. So i just didn't put it on one morning and that was that, I felt better, a little relieved from the burden, and my heart didn't have to break everytime I looked at my wrist... i still keep it safe on my desk so its all good...love you!

Self-Sabotage

You can't really put a measure on stupidity, can you? Oh wait you can,- a 0/30!!!

I think somewhere in the back of my mind I want to fail, I want to do poorly otherwise WHY would I make such ridiculous mistakes? I mean i study really hard before these retarded tests, I totally get it when im revising, then what the hell happens during the test?! I freak out, I panic - a 30 mark question- I can't get this wrong, I overthink and screw up, then I mope around for awhile and get over it. But why does this happen every friggen time?! Why can't I just get it right? Loser!!

Just Imagining...

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination

Half of my heart's got you...

-John Mayer

I wish I could read people's minds, some people's more than others. I wish I knew what they were thinking; what they really felt- about life, about their future, about me. What are your dreams?, your vision of a perfect life? where do I fit in? Do I even fit in, as in me, not just any person, I mean me...including my many many flaws (and far far less perfections).... Just wondering is all....

A little more than useless

Well if your plane fell out of the skies

Who would you call with your last goodbye?

-Kris Allen

I sometimes wonder if anything I do ever makes an impact. Do my actions really cause any reactions, any repercussions in this world? Have I really ever helped anyone?; scarred anyone?inspired anyone?; became irreplaceable to anyone? My contributions to people around me are so few and unnoticeable and I'm afraid I never will be a significant piece of their lives.

Which makes me think if I truly deserve all these amazing things (and people) in my life. I never did much good to justify my having this blessed life. I know I'm always thankful for it but did I really earn it? Doesn't it seem like someone else out there is more deserving; someone more pious, more honest, more honorable? It just boggles me at times then I get caught up in everything and these thoughts get whisked away like a candy wrapper on a breezy day; but they always manage to come creeping back in...