My Selfish Mind

Now when I think about what happened, a small flashback even, it hits me like a pile of bricks; my stomach lurches, my mind reels. Did all that really happen? My sweet daddy went through all that pain for real? Did I just imagine all those horrible things? Can he really be gone? Isn't' he just back in NY? You must be lying- he's not gone. He's right there! Why don't you see him? Why can't I see him? Why am i forgetting? God, my memory sucks. Every painful thing it wipes away. Let me hold on to them you selfish defense mechanism! Those are my memories- how dare you erase them! And why are you also screwing with my happy memories? I'm forgetting the sound of his voice, the way he walked, the way he held the phone to his ear, his laugh, the way the world seemed perfectly safe when he hugged me, his favorite cologne, the way he ate.. It's all getting fuzzy....not good NOT good!!!

Its his birthday today. He would be 60. I can't remember one birthday of his we didn't celebrate maybe it was just an e-card or a childish hand-made one with glitter and hearts or at least a special dinner. *sigh* Allah bless his soul, he was such a sweet man.