Scarf and Gown

IBA announced the convocation date for the batch of 2011.  I got goosebumps seeing the ad and also a sinking feeling having realized 'this is it'-We're officially graduating! It's a bittersweet feeling I guess. It'll be the first time I'll actually wear a cap and gown (that is if you don't count my kindergarten graduation).  It'll be awesome to see everyone together again, receive our degrees, and party later. But you know what's even more awesome? Neither my mom nor my dad will be there to see me graduate! They put me through school and won't even be there to see the final result. That's just...awesome =/ But hey, Insh Allah my hubby can make it and cheer me on =) Even so, I'm thankful for all that my parents (and siblings) had to put up with to get me this far. I really must have annoyed the heck out of them. May Allah bless you all! I love you so much.

Losing

When the people around you are totally opposite you; when your in a less than dominant position; when you have little chance of escape; when you're brain damagingly useless; when you have a destination that seems so far out of reach; you're bound to go crazy right? Or are you supposed to just blend in as the saying goes if you can't beat em, join em? But oh God! I so don't want to be like them. I love me and my silliness and my ability to smile for more than 3 seconds, to laugh at loud, to jump around to a fun song, to go out and try, to accept new things, to change, to grow, to move on and not hold on to the past. I refuse to blend in. I will not become like you and God forbid I ever do!

But what's freaking me out is that I think I slowly am :( I'm starting to think things aren't possible, that going against the system will cause too much trouble, that things aren't worth my efforts, that I should just stay on one track without thinking if it's what I really want. I don't know. It feels like I'm slowly giving up. My spunk, my edge, my sarcasm, my goofy humor it's all going down the drain. Even my writing has gone towards the dull side. I used to be able to make my sister laugh like crazy- I can't even do that anymore. I used to have non-serious fights with my brother, I could call him whatever and the next moment we'd be fine- I don't even have the guts to call him a jerk anymore! I used to laugh at silly commercials on TV. I used to sing out loud with my favorite songs. I've been on my best behavior for so long now! Is this what becoming a mature adult is? Or is this losing your personality to a dull and lifeless environment? God, I don't want to lose myself!