Losing

When the people around you are totally opposite you; when your in a less than dominant position; when you have little chance of escape; when you're brain damagingly useless; when you have a destination that seems so far out of reach; you're bound to go crazy right? Or are you supposed to just blend in as the saying goes if you can't beat em, join em? But oh God! I so don't want to be like them. I love me and my silliness and my ability to smile for more than 3 seconds, to laugh at loud, to jump around to a fun song, to go out and try, to accept new things, to change, to grow, to move on and not hold on to the past. I refuse to blend in. I will not become like you and God forbid I ever do!

But what's freaking me out is that I think I slowly am :( I'm starting to think things aren't possible, that going against the system will cause too much trouble, that things aren't worth my efforts, that I should just stay on one track without thinking if it's what I really want. I don't know. It feels like I'm slowly giving up. My spunk, my edge, my sarcasm, my goofy humor it's all going down the drain. Even my writing has gone towards the dull side. I used to be able to make my sister laugh like crazy- I can't even do that anymore. I used to have non-serious fights with my brother, I could call him whatever and the next moment we'd be fine- I don't even have the guts to call him a jerk anymore! I used to laugh at silly commercials on TV. I used to sing out loud with my favorite songs. I've been on my best behavior for so long now! Is this what becoming a mature adult is? Or is this losing your personality to a dull and lifeless environment? God, I don't want to lose myself!