My Pride

The Philosophy professor said something today that hit me like a brick. He was talking about when something you deeply love, something very dear to you di- (i can't say it) .. passes away, it changes you, it transforms you into something so different you're unrecognizable. He called it a paradigm shift. Knowing that the thing (or person) you cherished is now lying in a deep dark cold grave; you can never be the same. You become humble, more honest, more practical, the world seems a less welcoming place to live; things that once seemed so important that you would devote hours to them now seem trivial and unworthy of your time. The saddest thing he said was that you can't pride over them anymore you have nothing to show to the world now. All that love compassion and emotions that created this pure relationship are gone. It leaves you hollow like some part of you was carved out, chisled away. Thinking about that just made me feel so empty but then I thought WAIT A MINUTE!. I'm still my father's daughter, I still have the love he gave me, i still have his support and encouragement, I still have all he's taught me, I still have him with me maybe not in person but in mind, spirit and heart. So there, you silly old 'lover of wisdom'. You ain't so wise after all! =P

Stay strong and carry on...

I've been reading again and rediscovering things I once knew and let slip my mind. How could I let myself get so caught up in this life when there is one more after this? One much more important and eternal. Even with such a stark reminder of it in my life, i went on as if oblivious to it all. Yes, i acknowledged it but did I really envision it? Did I really grasp it? I don't think, so otherwise I wouldn't be so weak, ungrateful and loserly. I would be making an effort to please Allah rather than wasting my time in redundant activities. I rediscovered an old nasheed I used to listen to when i was younger and it brought such a flash of insight and i didn't like what i saw in myself. This world as horrible and painful as it is still grasps you and holds your attention that you forget whats truly important- your eternal life.

I think one good way of staying on track is to review your day every night. Note what you didn't like about what you did and avoid it the next day. But that's the thing how can you be sure of the next day or even the next hour?! My soul could pass on this very moment and it will be bearing these deeds ( of which I am sure the evil ones weigh heaviest). I'm reminded of another nasheed "What did I do Today?". Did I use my time; did I use my mind; if I search my heart what will I find; the light of your guidance is a glimmering ray; tell me what did i do today?

I just pray I can follow through with my intentions of improving myself-boy do I need it!

Street View

Google is insane. I just discovered Google street view and ummm... dayem! You can see every detail every pothole and every patch on the roads. You can even see the beige aluminum siding on the traitor's house and his ugly minivan in the driveway; the dead end; the house with the crazy dog; you can even see the house on the corner of Fallwood that was always mysteriously changing owners; the grocery store we would go to alll the time and walk only on the brown tiles (well at least i did!); the park at the end of Kent where we went to see the Columbus Day fireworks with the cousins; the flashback-to-yesteryears Main Street where we would go to get surprise birthday and anniversary presents for mama and uboo; go a little further and see the halal meat store we'd go to and get a little taste of Karachi ; go further and see the cousins' house in Queens where we spent countless afternoons and lazy weekends and then... stand in the same spot where my daddy proudly took a picture of his new apartment we were supposed to spend our summer vacations. The images just left me feeling empty yet overwhelmed; gutted yet satisfied; bittersweet I guess. I wish we were all there together again I wish we had more time together I wish we could all share in the same memories especially the ones to come... Life seems so incomplete without you all... my family... my heart... feels lost... just come back home!

Looking Up

Things are looking better; people are looking better; I feel better. Yeah things aren't so great but they could always get worse. So keep looking ahead, it'll be alright!

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter

As long as I'm laughing with you

I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after

After the life we've been through

-Chris Daughtry

No One Lives Here Anymore

It's my house, I've been living here for 7 years now and never have I felt scared anxious or freaked out, not once. It's the same house I look at in pictures and in home videos. What's changed? But a couple of nights ago when I went on the roof for a bit I actually got shivers and goosebumps as if I had a premonition of something really really bad. What something? I'm not quite sure of that but it was scary and I wished I could have just ran away. This feeling of intense fear and dread spread over me as easily as the cool night air rustled the branches of the neem tree across the street. It seemed as if something evil was watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike, waiting for me to lose my guard and then it would pounce, attacking my very being and all those that are important to me. And all this happened within a span of a few seconds. My mind visualized all these gruesome and horrid images so fluidly as if they once truly did happen right before my eyes. You can be sure i ran downstairs in a panic but not before slamming the roof's metal door to scare away whatever evil lurked near my house. What was that? Why did my mind show me such horrible things? Will I really lose the people I care about? What's wrong? It's as if it's just me now and no one lives here anymore....