Tears and typing = healing

I'm trying to remember all that happened this year. 2009. What a roller coaster year this has been. Allah has definitely blessed us with happiness and good fortune but it seems the trials and tribulations overshadow them. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because i know things could be way worse. But I just can't get past all the trauma we've witnessed: hospital visits, biopsies coming back positive, diagnosis: squamous cell carcinoma, surgeries and procedures, chemo, radiation, hair falling, weakness, depression, isolation, fear, IVs, needles, blood tests, x-rays, oxygen masks, doctors telling us to prepare ourselves, our last few days with him in stupid Doha (I'm NEVER going back there again) when he told me not to worry, the plane ride that separated us forever, that one last kiss I blew to my Daddy before they took him away, that evil red box that they carried him away in and then I just remember shock, tears, headaches, stomachaches, restless sleep, worry and prayer. Now I just pray for two things: for his forgiveness and that our lives turn out OK cuz I don't know what's in store for me and what's gonna happen later on. I try not to worry too much about it but i really can't help it. and then weird neighbors come over pretending to be sympathetic but then they say such cruel things in the sweetest tones and you want to get up and smack their stupid faces. Why do they think they know what we're going through? That they're coming over is the highlight of our day? Seriously lady, i don't give a damn about how you spend your day or where your kids go to school. i was having more fun sitting in the dark staring at a blank TV screen! I really don't need your fake sympathy and pats on the head! There now I feel better. This incoherent babbling may not nave made much sense to you but whatever at least i feel better...tears and typing = healing. im gonna need a lot more of that!!!

meet the prefect screw-up

I mean seriously how hard is it to reverse a damn car out of a driveway? the sub-IQ monkeys we hire as drivers can do it easily, so why can't I? am i missing that part of my brain that coordinates with the reverse gear, clutch, and accelerator? does my mind not comprehend what the side view mirrors are displaying? seriously whats wrong with me!? I can maneuver the car in the tightest of spaces (well i proved today i cant even do that cuz i knocked over two badly-parked motorcycles and scratched the left side of my beauty of a car) i can park the car INTO the driveway i just cant get the damn thing back out again. n the worst thing is the slightest sign of failure and my brain tells me its OK to cry!! embarrassment on top of embarrassment- dear lord i am the perfect screw-up!!
and then once you mess up in one thing you start doubting the rest of your abilities like now I'm thinking I probably failed halfmy midterms, i probably put to much mirchi in the lunch i made, i bet i even downloaded a virus on to this pristine computer. bravo Madiha, bravo.

Memories

tears come so easily. they just emerge so effortlessly and at the slightest mention of him. just one memory, just one nanosecond-long flashback can trigger them -even if its not one of him suffering, its actually happy and warm but the realization that they're all i have left of him, crush my soul and produce this endless river of tears. i wonder if what everyone says is actually true, will it actually get better with time? will my life really become so full and enjoyable that i'll forget about him? isn't forgetting even worse than mourning? i don't want to forget what happened to him and i don't want to stop crying over him so don't expect me to put on a happy face and say everything's fine and if i act as if everything's fine, just know its only a facade.

Dreams Suck

they do!! i mean you spend so many years thinking about achieving this one thing. you spend your daydreaming sessions coming up with different ways of getting there, what you would do when you finally get it, and how awesome everything will be once you have it. But then life jolts you out of that fantasy and says "get real, loser!" and all that time you spent wishing and hoping turn to waste. So why bother dreaming? they hardly ever come true right? Maybe not... Maybe in the process you come up with a new dream thats more...ummmm practical? perhaps not so far-fetched? I mean you must have grown over these years right? you would want something more/new out of life? so i guess in the end, its ok to dream; just make them a little less 'out there'?