Succession... hmphh

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven...

I don't want his money, or his property, or his belongings- I want him back! It's all his hard work and effort I wish he was still here to use it. Can't we just leave it all the way he left it? I know even Islam gives provisions about inheritance but I just don't want it. I just don't...

Goody-two-shoes

I've never done anything bad.. like something I would regret later.. like something stupid or reckless..something I know i shouldn't do... like... sheesh.. i can't even think of anything bad! I've always been the good girl, the nice quiet sweet girl. now people who know me for real know I'm not exactly that but my image, appearance, and behavior never betray my underlying personality. Sometimes I wish it did. Why am I always thinking of the consequences, forseeing the shitload of trouble I'd get in to or just what people would think of me if I did anything crazy. I guess I'm scared of getting hurt, embarrased or hurting people who care about me... I thought your teen years/ early-twenties was when you could let loose, do whatever, and you would be forgiven your mistakes- taken as an error in judgement. Why have I never thought this way- that mistakes I make now would be/ can be forgiven. I always felt that if I do something wrong, it'll haunt me forever. Man, I hate being sensible...this sucks- I wanna have fun!

Crap

so i just cleaned my room (actually just my dressing table) after about... one year! Dayem! i have a habit of collecting junk cuz i mite need it one day like the little plastic seal that comes off deodorant sticks (haven't found a use for it yet!) or dried up nail polishes (cuz they're too pretty to throw away) or packaging for a mascara that dried up a year ago (umm.. i dunno)

my next target is my desk. that'll be trickier cuz there more 'important' things on my desk like envelopes from last year's (and years before that) Eidis and receipts for the box of pens and gum i bought a few months ago and a few other emo stuff like uboo's blood sugar monitor and the boarding pass for that plane ride to NY which ended in Qatar. Speaking of that trip I still haven't unpacked the suitcase I took with me. It still has his medical reports and his medicines and other necessities in there. It even has a few of my clothes (no wonder i never have anything to wear!). The suitcase still has the blasted Qatar Airlines tag on it with that weird goat-head logo. *sigh* I dunno when I'll get up the nerve to get rid of this stuff. If i can hold on to a gum wrapper which means absolutely nothing to me for more than two years, how long do you think I can hold on to the things I took with me on that fateful trip?... I give myself... about ten years!

Loyal

Even if the sky is falling down?

Bubble Bursting

It amazes me how people can go on with their lives so oblivious to the facts and events around them. How they can be completely unaffected by things- trivial things, big things. They all seem to glide on past them without a second glance. Is it calousness? Or is it a defence mechanism? I used to be like that- clueless, oblvious, not a care in the world. Things would always turn out right. That was oblivion. Now it's my defence. If I start to think about all that's going on- the trivial and the not-so-trivial, I would literally explode. My world isn't rosy anymore and I don't have glasses tinted dark enough to hide the ugliness so it's better if I just close my eyes...

Just go with it

Here's a lil Desi lyrical touch:

Junglon mein bhee raaste tou hain

Humey bhee koee mil hee jaye ga

Chalo tho sahi, chalo tho sahi

Aitebar bhi ahee jaye ga

- Vital Signs

Rough translation: Just go with it. Why get caught up in things you really can't control and why should you be afraid of the unknown? Things tend to work out on their own and most people have the ability to adapt and make situations work for themselves. Then after the tough time is over we wonder how it could possibly be any other way. I'm letting go. If it's meant to be; it'll be. I don't want to drive myself crazy with my doubts, suspicions, over-the-top fears, and uncertainties. I know they will keep creeping in in the form of dreams (read: nightmares) but I have to have faith in Allah; He will never send anything my way that I won't be able to handle. And when I ask for it, He will definitely help me through it. Have Faith...

PS: Like the new look?

Smile for him

Yesterday marked a whole year since he left... its all still fresh in my mind..we had only left him a few hours ago and then it was his turn to leave us-forever.

I had written and even published a really heartfelt and i admit depressing post. i took it down cuz I don't wanna be sad when I think of him. Yes he's gone but I don't wanna cry when I think about it i wanna smile and thank Allah for the time He gave us together. And I hope his spirit feels my smile too.

Memory: Black marks on my bedroom wall. They've been there for years. They're from my dad's sandals that he used to chase away the nasty lizards that managed to sneak into my room. My daddy, my hero :)

Success Story... not quite

Am i just too idealistic? Do i expect too much out of people? If i want someone important in my life to be successful, to not settle for less, to go out and do what they love to do and are in fact good at, is that asking too much?

I imagine myself in their place and then want to shoot them for being so blind so ungrateful so freakin lazy! You have this opportunity to do things, to go out and make a name for yourself. Fine. Let's be practical you won't become an overnight success but for the love of god go out and TRY!!! Why settle for such an option that you know you're unworthy of. You deserve so much more, your family does... Why settle without a fight?

uh-oh

so it's been like two days since I've gotten done with everything- school and internship- and im totalllly bored!!! how am i gonna spend the next month with absolutely nothing to do!? oh and don't get me started on the stay-at-home-eat-on-sight weight gain eek!

Ventilation system

I actually went back and read all the posts I've put up so far. I started blogging when life had taken a very bad turn. At that time I was 100% sure we would get out of it fine, that it was just a scare and nothing more. But then it only got worse and I ended up losing my dad to it...

Of course the whole ordeal was heartbreaking and all the emotions and feelings I put into those posts are absolutely true. But the great thing about writing them at those low points when I'm feeling my worse is that they actually lessen those emotions as if as soon those thoughts are translated into words and sent off into cyberspace I'm immediately relieved of them. I don't have to torture myself with them or face them silently. They're out there in the open no longer hidden no longer haunting me-my perfect way to heal. Of course there's a lot more healing to do as this scar runs way deep but I'm getting there one post at a time...

Freaky dreams

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible

-Shontelle

Have you ever had a dream that stuck with you the whole day and every time you think about it it brings back the same feelings? I have a few of those dreams most are pleasant, joyful even. But some are... painful.

These past few weeks I was happy. I was working in the same office my daddy used to work. It's nice to meet people who knew him and remember him in such honorable terms. I liked being known around the office as his daughter. then today this dream, this vision totally brought me down. I'm not sure of the details but it just reminded me that he's gone that he won't be there for any future events; for the tough times; for the happy times; for support; for strength; for courage... Life sucks as it is and to go through it without the one who always has your back; the one who would never hurt you or abandon you? Life sucks tenfold!

I know people care about me but it's not the same. It can never be the same. This is something I thought would be impossible... God give me strength!!

Clueless

Two years later and I'm still clueless...

Cordoba House, oh excuse me, Park51

Im gonna start completly off topic but i just have to say I lovvvvve typing on my cute lil laptop. It's not really mine it's on loan for my internship but it totally makes typing a breeze and it actually inspires you to write (jsut so you can hear the clickety click of the keys)
warm n happy love love love!!!!!

Now to Cordoba House..What is wrong with people? So what if they're building an Islamic Culture Center near Ground Zero? How is that offensive? How can people be protesting it? Has anyone ever protested the construction of a church, synagogue or temple? No! Americans are going overboard in their Islamophobia and in New York City of all places! I might even see it happening down south but in the melting pot of the world? seriously? that's just uggh unbelievable. I was reading some bias-ass loser's 'newspaper' article (if you can call that journalism)and they compared building this center to erecting a monument to kamikaze fighters at Pearl Harbor. That's so...ummm...wrong! How can a few apparent 'moslems' who carried out a cruel act represent the whole Islamic faith? It really makes no sense. Is the Christian faith deemed evil if a few priests commit crude acts? It's the person not the faith they claim to follow so stop painting all Muslims and Islam with the same 'terrorist brush'.
And besides this center is for the whole community to gather and meet, not for alienating others from Islam. So you can quit your whining and protesting already! Bunch of ignorant racist moops! (just watched that episode of Seinfeld!)
One point bothers me though is that they changed the name from Cordoba House to Park51 how lame is that? Anyway, I hope New Yorkers grow a brain and stop protesting the project.. are they even true New Yorkers? If they were I doubt they'd even give a damn about some new building being constructed fuhgeddaboutit!

On the Clock

Right now I'm literally on the clock. I took some time out cuz I got really bored reading up on and preparing a report on the research process. It got me thinking though, as usual, I just started contemplating different scenarios and possibilities.

This time I was thinking about working full time. Its not about money, its not about getting to the top, its not about being power hungry and its not about being a hot shot. (hey that rhymed sort of)...The little work experience that I have had, I know I enjoyed it thoroughly. I like being associated with something bigger than me, to particiapte in making things happen, to be productive and useful and of course a paycheck only makes it sweeter. i wonder though that after I stop studying (I was gonna say complete my studies but I still have the teeny tiny desire to study further but not any time soon) so after I stop studying I wonder if I would be able to step into the business world and shake things up. I wonder if i would be able to manage my responsibilites completly. The work-life balance is a tricky one to master and I doubt if I am one to do it well. I would love to tho I mean that would be awesome but both sides are so demanding of your time, energy, and patience. How do these women handle it all? i'm sure they have domestic help something I totally despise (why should i have some poor woman run around and clean up my mess? so what if she's paid to do it?! It just seems i dunno irresponsible and snooty) and I'm sure they feel they're missing out on some things- if they give more time to work they miss out at home and if they take time out for the home they get left back at work. It's a sticky situation. but i keep thinking about how rewarding it would be to work-not just the money the internal satisfaction and pride you feel when you know you've finished something or been a part of something huge (or small). I dunno.. i do know i wanna work i just don't know how i'll manage it all...........

Waiting

Just waiting for it.. I know its coming just don't know when

fake fake fake

I was trying to fly but I couldn't find wings...

Taylor Swift

Contacts/networks/sources only work when the original 'contact-maker' is involved in the process. No one really recognizes the daughter of said contact-maker and no one really gives a damn when the contact-maker is not in the picture. Sure they'll throw you a bone for old time's sake but then they kinda give you the impression like 'seriously you thought we would take you in?! haha uh.. no!' and sure they're really nice, polite, and 'caring' but when it comes down to it they just aren't gonna help. It's funny how people change when circumstances change. It's funny how you don't know people's motives and intentions beforehand. I wish people could stay steadfast and pure in their intentions. I wish for a lot of silly things don't I? I expect too much from humanity. When will I get it through my thick skull that people aren't nice, they don't care, they have their own motivations and helping out someone else's kid for the sake of helping someone out is not one of them. Well you know what man, I am my father's daughter i can manage without your help. I'm not some poor soul, defenseless, and lost. I have my Almighty's love and my daddy's spirit right by my side so screw you and your fake support! :P

Next day retraction: Some people are nice, like really really nice. See the world ain't so bad

I wish I was.... me!

Despite my many (many) flaws I've come to forgive myself for whatever. For not being so smart with numbers, for not being a social butterfly, for not living up to my own expectations at times, for not getting what I set out to get. Whatever, it's all good! No one can be great at everything and no one can have it all. And yeah I do have an external locus of control. I beleive in destiny- it'll be if it's meant to be. I can't fight what's already been set out for me. It's taken me time to realize it but now I'm comfortable in my own skin. I like me and I don't ever wish I was anyone else. Of course I do wish I can keep improving myself and grow into something better but that 'something better' should be an improved picture of me- not a reflection of anyone else.


It surprises me when people complain about how they wish they were different somehow, had things that others have, had that girl's hair, her eyes, her personality. Seriously? why? Why can't you be happy with what you have? Appreciate your own attributes? You do have it you just don't want to see it. You just like wallowing in self-pity. Be happy with you, content with what you have, grateful for it all. just for a second imagine not even having this much... (sends a chill down your spine right?)


I mean, it's such a drag to hear people go on and on about how they suck at this or aren't good enough for that. Get over it man! Look at what you do have!! Look at what you can do!! If you just realize that, you'll be a much happier person. And maybe I won't have to hear you complain anymore :)

My Selfish Mind

Now when I think about what happened, a small flashback even, it hits me like a pile of bricks; my stomach lurches, my mind reels. Did all that really happen? My sweet daddy went through all that pain for real? Did I just imagine all those horrible things? Can he really be gone? Isn't' he just back in NY? You must be lying- he's not gone. He's right there! Why don't you see him? Why can't I see him? Why am i forgetting? God, my memory sucks. Every painful thing it wipes away. Let me hold on to them you selfish defense mechanism! Those are my memories- how dare you erase them! And why are you also screwing with my happy memories? I'm forgetting the sound of his voice, the way he walked, the way he held the phone to his ear, his laugh, the way the world seemed perfectly safe when he hugged me, his favorite cologne, the way he ate.. It's all getting fuzzy....not good NOT good!!!

Its his birthday today. He would be 60. I can't remember one birthday of his we didn't celebrate maybe it was just an e-card or a childish hand-made one with glitter and hearts or at least a special dinner. *sigh* Allah bless his soul, he was such a sweet man.

Redemption

If we crawl till we can walk again

then we'll run until we're strong enough to jump

then we'll fly until there is no end

-Chris Brown

Note: I was boycotting Chris Brown for the past year cuz he was such a jerk for beating up Rihanna but I think he has redeemed himself with this song (only a little tho)

What would it feel like to do something so awful and ruthless? to cause such irreparable damage to another person? why are there cruel people in the world? And what about those tortured souls who kill others- where do they get their hatred from? and why do good people have to suffer at their hands? *sigh* this world sucks.......

Nooooooo!

Why did they have to restrict YouTube?!! What did poor YouTube do? Fine block Facebook but YouTube!?!!? *sigh*

And besides blocking Facebook in response to this immature and childish attempt to mock Muslims is quite futile in my opinion. If people are that ignorant, cruel, and pig-headed, no amount of protest, rants and rallies will change their minds. No matter how many logical level-headed comments I've posted in defense of Islam, the Prophet (PBUH), hijab or women's rights on various forums it hardly ever has any effect. The next few posts are again degrading crude comments based on stereotypical and biased assumptions.

So what will banning Facebook and YouTube do for our cause? You can't change their minds, they're stuck in their pitiful and disgusting states; why bother with them?!