Selfish world

What is this place? Why is everyone so self-centered? Does anyone care about any one but themselves? People hardly call each other up to ask how the other is doing unless they have some other  business to discuss. and forget about visiting each other! Every action seems to have a motive behind it, where is the emotion? Why has compassion and empathy been taken over by consumption and greed? Parents are far too willing to leave their babies with strangers just to earn a few extra dollars. Family gatherings are neglected because work comes first. Even children don't have time to look up from their ipads at the dinner table.

The "holiday" season is gearing up in the US but sadly it's less of a celebration and more of a sale. Discounts, promotions, coupons and deals to distract people from their lonely, empty, purpose-less, greedy lives. Since when have possessions become more valuable than family? Why have people given into their never ending wants? Falling deeper and deeper into debt because they MUST have the next big thing. And what an example to set for your children, you already ignore them each workday of the week then you throw a new gadget at them and expect them to love you. When they grow up to be selfish, materialistic jerks, you wonder what went wrong?!

Try a little compassion. call up a friend. help the poor. visit the ill. thank the Creator above for giving you countless blessings. there's so much more to this life than just money and sales and gadgets. Allah guide us to be less selfish!

thankless (priceless) job

I don't get weekends or vacations or coffee breaks. I do however get a few minutes to check Facebook or YouTube once the little booger goes down for a nap. Other than that I'm always on. I have to be there if he's playing, if he gets hurt, if he eats a dust bunny, if he's hungry, sleepy, cranky, happy, exploring, destroying, pooping...yeah you get the picture. Now I'm not complaining, I don't want to be anywhere but here and I love being with my cutie pie Alhamdulillah but seriously gimme a break once in a while! You think I'm home all day relaxing, chilling out? Think again! You know what I only wanted for my birthday?  3 hours alone at home to pamper myself- a mini spa day with out little hands grabbing at all my stuff. It was an awesome 3 hours! I'm sure there was a point to this post, I can't remember cuz I gotta go feed a screaming hungry munchkin his dinner! 

another year

another August 17.. another year without my daddy.. is it wrong that i don't know how to grieve anymore, it's like im all drained of tears. no time to cry or remember. i feel heartless and cold.  i visited our old house a few days ago and found his wallet, he had the same store loyalty cards i have now! it was nice to think he went to the same places i go now. it would have been so awesome if he was still here to show us stuff, guide us in this new phase of life, i wanted my baby to meet him and play with him. it's not in my hands, life goes on and everything is in Allah's control. and it's always for our benefit, we just don't realize it till later. May Allah bless his soul and may he always be in peace. Ameen.

Slumber

How can you sleep?  so peaceful,  so  content,  so  ignorant,  so blind! wake up, stand up, face Him, bow to  Him, thank Him, beg Him before you sleep your eternal slumber. 

Dimwits

Pakistan is having its elections tomorrow. the same players who have been put in power before are contesting again and dimwits all over Pakistan are eager to vote for them again!!

there is a new face in the running this time and he seems to be a ray of hope for the country. he talks of change, of ridding the nation of its corruption and dysfunction. he promises a new Pakistan where people will have a chance to succeed, to move out of this outdated system, to bring back the nation our founding fathers dreamed of. Is it too good to be true? Are the naysayers right? Will it just be rigged as always? Will the same thugs be put in office again same as countless times before? Why are the masses so weak? so brainwashed? so deprived that giving their families food rations will sway their votes? Why can't they stand up and rebel? Why are well-off people who have the means to vote freely (and the brains) going to sit at home and let their voices remain silent? Why allow the abusers to have their way? You have the chance to bring change! Use it! Sure there may be rigging but at least you'll know you tried! Get up and do something! Aren't you tired of this s@*t??

I was never into Pakistani politics, it always seemed to be the same story. So and so is abusing power for their own benefit, so and so is laundering money from taxpayers, so and so is allowing their fellow citizens to die like worthless animals in the name of 'collateral damage'. but now when there is a chance for change i don't want it to go to waste. I want a new Pakistan! Don't you?  

Use your voice! Vote Wisely!!! May Allah help us all!

Catching Up

Last night I had a sweet dream. My daddy called me on my cell phone just to catch up. He was calling from his office in between some task or the other. He asked how the new apartment was and if the baby was being good and not bothering me too much. He seemed happy and I went on as if we spoke only yesterday. When I woke up I felt lighthearted and peaceful. I liked seeing my daddy in his usual mode- happy, busy, caring.
I've heard your spirit travels to the places you see in your dreams. I hope that's true, I just might have met my daddy for awhile. I hope he is happy where he is and knows we all miss him everyday. I wish he was still here to see me all grown up with a family of my own. But that's life, it's Allah's will- I can only pray for his eternal peace. May Allah bless his soul.

greener grass

it's so easy to think your life sucks. you look to others and think they have everything and they must be perfectly content. truth is, you don't know what they're going through. how do you know their lives aren't tougher than yours in one way or the other? how do you know they're not struggling to get something you already have? you might have painted a picture of your perfect life and someone else has it while you have something totally different. it's not easy but have patience and be thankful for what you do have. The Supreme Creator has given you what you have (or not given you what you want) for a reason and in the end it's only for your own good. 

Mama madness

I'm like a zombie now. All I do is feed the baby, change the baby's diaper, put the baby down to sleep, and then start again. My mind is totally blank and unable to think of things beyond the baby. And his colicky nights are  icing on the cake. A constantly screaming baby can do wonders for your mental health. By 10:30 the lights are out so baby can sleep and we can gather our senses. You would think I can finally get some 'me-time' but I'm so exhausted by then that I just lie down next to baby and I'm out in a second. Weirdly enough, the bathroom is now my retreat, the one place where no one can bother me.
What bugs me the most is that we can't do things like we used to. Get up and go somewhere without a plan or worry. Now it's the stroller, the car seat, the baby bag, is it too cold out, is he being fussy and on and on. It's better to just stay home and stare at the walls. I'm out of touch with my friends who are all busy in their own lives. But then again what would I talk to them about now? I don't have much to talk about, I mean my life is just about baby now. Would they be interested to know he was extra gassy last night or his poo was orange today? Yeah I doubt that.
Patience is the only thing keeping us sane. Keeping calm and telling yourself he's just a baby when you feel like yelling and pulling your hair out. Mamas are amazing, aren't they? I've totally come to appreciate my mama and all the other mamas out there. this is the toughest job with the least payback. You all (and me too) deserve a break, a big reward, like a day off- no a month off!...but then I'd miss the little booger.. dammit why'd he have to be so cute?

3 years

another year has gone by. i miss him a lot. some days more than others. it's sad how im forgetting things about him. i wish i had a memory booster or something, i hate having these fuzzy and unclear images in my mind.

his watch had stopped working a few weeks ago and it totally killed me. i just couldn't stand to see it lifeless and still so i got its battery replaced and shined it up. when i was going to the hospital for the delivery, i kept it with me. it was nice to have his presence there somehow. you know the saddest thing? this baby will never know his nana and if i keep losing my memories about him, how will i pass them on? maybe they met up in heaven? maybe my daddy sees my baby now? What would Uboojee say if he held his baby's baby? *sigh* im no baby anymore..

God life is so weird. there was a time when we were all together and shared every happy or sad moment as a family. now look at us, we're all over the place only talking on the phone or email or texts. Meeting in person is now a hassle. we only greet each other as a formality and everyone's consumed in their own little lives. I have a feeling as time goes on we'll only drift further apart. and all those fuzzy memories will only be distant voices and forgotten dreams. nice.

Fanatic

People think I've changed; actually I'm still the same, they've just gotten to know me better. My inclination towards religion may not have been so strong before, it was more of a formality but ever since my Daddy left and I needed more powerful help than any person could give me I turned towards my Creator. That was the biggest healing force for me and I've stuck with it ever since. I started reading more, learning more, trying to understand what is allowed and not allowed.  I'm not saying I'm an angel now or something, I'm far from it but I do want to live my life according to the teachings of Islam.
Another driving force is this life inside of me. If I want it to be good, no better than me, I have to be the example. I can't expect it to be noble and kind, pious and virtuous without at least showing some of it myself. This is a new stage in my life and I don't want to taint it with the wrong decisions. Do you know how scary it is when you think you'll be held responsible for its sins and misdoings aside from your own?
This place I'm living in now is full of temptations and they all seem so easy but isn't that the real test? To stick with what you know in your heart is right and not to give in?
Maybe I should have put my viewpoint across sooner, it was naive of me to assume everyone would think the same way as me. But it's out there now, and I'm not backing down. It's not just my future on the line, it's this little one's too...

sixty-two

June 7th was my daddy's birthday. He would have been 62. the last birthday card i made for him was a last minute project. i printed out a black-n-white 'happy birthday uboojee' on paper, colored it with highlighters and sprinkled it with glitter. mama bro and i wrote little messages to him, mostly about him recovering soon and being with us to celebrate many more. that night we watched paul blart: mall cop and get smart- my daddy actually laughed after a long time. who would have known 2 months later he'd be in a hospital bed just barely holding on. Oh Allah please bless his soul. I wonder if these memories will ever not make me burst out into tears. ok i just gave myself a headache, i should go lay down.

Motherly What?

I'm sorry but I don't feel those emotions I'm 'supposed' to. Babycenter.com is telling me to write a letter to my baby and we can read it together later. Ummm ok.. Dear baby, stop kicking me! Sincerely, Me. Celine Dion wrote a song for her baby, A new day has come, she goes on about how she sees a light in the sky and angels and this pure love. Yeah sorry I don't see those things.

I'm reading these forums where these expectant mothers can't wait to see their little princess or little man. I just can't wait to get my body back, it's a bit unnerving knowing there is another human squirming around inside you and feeding off of you. And the constant fatigue and backaches aren't fun either.

Am I evil or something? Am i missing that motherly instinct gene? Or is this whole process just really creepy? I don't know *sigh*

Letter for my Love

Exactly one year ago, I was sitting in IBA City campus' Prayer Room. I was waiting for the shuttle back to Main campus. I decided to write a letter to my soon-to-be hubby, not to be delivered to him of course cuz I never had the guts to tell him how I really felt until after we were married. But by then I was totally into him the poor guy just didn't know it. There were exactly two months left till our wedding. The invitations were printed, most of my shopping was done, jewelry and dresses were being prepared. I was a mixture of nervousness, anxiety for my finals that were to fall on dates around the wedding functions, and a sense of fulfillment that finally we'll be together. I never let him catch on how strongly I felt and later I found out he was convinced I had zero feelings for him. lol but I wanted to tell him when we were free to talk face to face as husband and wife. And i did after our Nikkah. After that there were no doubts, no anxieties, no pressure. Alhamdulillah its been the sweetest ride since then. And now we've travelled halfway across the woirld together to start a new phase of life. InshaAllah it'll be good, just gotta keep praying :)

Rukhsati for Real

I'm finally leaving my parents' house behind and it's killing me. The worst part is that they're not even there waiting for me to come visit. No one's there. All the love that was built into each inch is disappearing. Everyone has moved on and no one seems to feel it but me. I don't wanna shut down and lock up this place. I want it to live and buzz with people and excitement. But it looks like it'll just turn into a ghost house with its furniture covered with sheets, empty cabinets and dusty air.  This was not what my parents had in mind when they put everything into building it. But sadly, no one knows where life will take them and what's in store ahead. All we can do is pray for the best. Oh Allah please protect my house and fill it with happiness again soon.

Constant headache

i don't know what it is but the pounding in my head won't go away. So many worries swirling around, don't let me sleep or maybe its my bulging belly that makes it difficult. The visa, the delivery, the anomaly scan, domicile, officers refusing us on petty issues. I pray and pray, silently, out loud, after prayers, during the day. I know my Lord hears me and won't put me through anything I can't handle but Oh Allah I'm tooo weak to handle anything major now. I used to be strong but his sweetness and care has turned me to butter, how can I be fierce and brave when he's such a strong shield? All i do is worry now and pray for him and us. Allah please help!!