Catching Up

Last night I had a sweet dream. My daddy called me on my cell phone just to catch up. He was calling from his office in between some task or the other. He asked how the new apartment was and if the baby was being good and not bothering me too much. He seemed happy and I went on as if we spoke only yesterday. When I woke up I felt lighthearted and peaceful. I liked seeing my daddy in his usual mode- happy, busy, caring.
I've heard your spirit travels to the places you see in your dreams. I hope that's true, I just might have met my daddy for awhile. I hope he is happy where he is and knows we all miss him everyday. I wish he was still here to see me all grown up with a family of my own. But that's life, it's Allah's will- I can only pray for his eternal peace. May Allah bless his soul.

greener grass

it's so easy to think your life sucks. you look to others and think they have everything and they must be perfectly content. truth is, you don't know what they're going through. how do you know their lives aren't tougher than yours in one way or the other? how do you know they're not struggling to get something you already have? you might have painted a picture of your perfect life and someone else has it while you have something totally different. it's not easy but have patience and be thankful for what you do have. The Supreme Creator has given you what you have (or not given you what you want) for a reason and in the end it's only for your own good. 

Mama madness

I'm like a zombie now. All I do is feed the baby, change the baby's diaper, put the baby down to sleep, and then start again. My mind is totally blank and unable to think of things beyond the baby. And his colicky nights are  icing on the cake. A constantly screaming baby can do wonders for your mental health. By 10:30 the lights are out so baby can sleep and we can gather our senses. You would think I can finally get some 'me-time' but I'm so exhausted by then that I just lie down next to baby and I'm out in a second. Weirdly enough, the bathroom is now my retreat, the one place where no one can bother me.
What bugs me the most is that we can't do things like we used to. Get up and go somewhere without a plan or worry. Now it's the stroller, the car seat, the baby bag, is it too cold out, is he being fussy and on and on. It's better to just stay home and stare at the walls. I'm out of touch with my friends who are all busy in their own lives. But then again what would I talk to them about now? I don't have much to talk about, I mean my life is just about baby now. Would they be interested to know he was extra gassy last night or his poo was orange today? Yeah I doubt that.
Patience is the only thing keeping us sane. Keeping calm and telling yourself he's just a baby when you feel like yelling and pulling your hair out. Mamas are amazing, aren't they? I've totally come to appreciate my mama and all the other mamas out there. this is the toughest job with the least payback. You all (and me too) deserve a break, a big reward, like a day off- no a month off!...but then I'd miss the little booger.. dammit why'd he have to be so cute?

3 years

another year has gone by. i miss him a lot. some days more than others. it's sad how im forgetting things about him. i wish i had a memory booster or something, i hate having these fuzzy and unclear images in my mind.

his watch had stopped working a few weeks ago and it totally killed me. i just couldn't stand to see it lifeless and still so i got its battery replaced and shined it up. when i was going to the hospital for the delivery, i kept it with me. it was nice to have his presence there somehow. you know the saddest thing? this baby will never know his nana and if i keep losing my memories about him, how will i pass them on? maybe they met up in heaven? maybe my daddy sees my baby now? What would Uboojee say if he held his baby's baby? *sigh* im no baby anymore..

God life is so weird. there was a time when we were all together and shared every happy or sad moment as a family. now look at us, we're all over the place only talking on the phone or email or texts. Meeting in person is now a hassle. we only greet each other as a formality and everyone's consumed in their own little lives. I have a feeling as time goes on we'll only drift further apart. and all those fuzzy memories will only be distant voices and forgotten dreams. nice.

Fanatic

People think I've changed; actually I'm still the same, they've just gotten to know me better. My inclination towards religion may not have been so strong before, it was more of a formality but ever since my Daddy left and I needed more powerful help than any person could give me I turned towards my Creator. That was the biggest healing force for me and I've stuck with it ever since. I started reading more, learning more, trying to understand what is allowed and not allowed.  I'm not saying I'm an angel now or something, I'm far from it but I do want to live my life according to the teachings of Islam.
Another driving force is this life inside of me. If I want it to be good, no better than me, I have to be the example. I can't expect it to be noble and kind, pious and virtuous without at least showing some of it myself. This is a new stage in my life and I don't want to taint it with the wrong decisions. Do you know how scary it is when you think you'll be held responsible for its sins and misdoings aside from your own?
This place I'm living in now is full of temptations and they all seem so easy but isn't that the real test? To stick with what you know in your heart is right and not to give in?
Maybe I should have put my viewpoint across sooner, it was naive of me to assume everyone would think the same way as me. But it's out there now, and I'm not backing down. It's not just my future on the line, it's this little one's too...

sixty-two

June 7th was my daddy's birthday. He would have been 62. the last birthday card i made for him was a last minute project. i printed out a black-n-white 'happy birthday uboojee' on paper, colored it with highlighters and sprinkled it with glitter. mama bro and i wrote little messages to him, mostly about him recovering soon and being with us to celebrate many more. that night we watched paul blart: mall cop and get smart- my daddy actually laughed after a long time. who would have known 2 months later he'd be in a hospital bed just barely holding on. Oh Allah please bless his soul. I wonder if these memories will ever not make me burst out into tears. ok i just gave myself a headache, i should go lay down.

Motherly What?

I'm sorry but I don't feel those emotions I'm 'supposed' to. Babycenter.com is telling me to write a letter to my baby and we can read it together later. Ummm ok.. Dear baby, stop kicking me! Sincerely, Me. Celine Dion wrote a song for her baby, A new day has come, she goes on about how she sees a light in the sky and angels and this pure love. Yeah sorry I don't see those things.

I'm reading these forums where these expectant mothers can't wait to see their little princess or little man. I just can't wait to get my body back, it's a bit unnerving knowing there is another human squirming around inside you and feeding off of you. And the constant fatigue and backaches aren't fun either.

Am I evil or something? Am i missing that motherly instinct gene? Or is this whole process just really creepy? I don't know *sigh*

Letter for my Love

Exactly one year ago, I was sitting in IBA City campus' Prayer Room. I was waiting for the shuttle back to Main campus. I decided to write a letter to my soon-to-be hubby, not to be delivered to him of course cuz I never had the guts to tell him how I really felt until after we were married. But by then I was totally into him the poor guy just didn't know it. There were exactly two months left till our wedding. The invitations were printed, most of my shopping was done, jewelry and dresses were being prepared. I was a mixture of nervousness, anxiety for my finals that were to fall on dates around the wedding functions, and a sense of fulfillment that finally we'll be together. I never let him catch on how strongly I felt and later I found out he was convinced I had zero feelings for him. lol but I wanted to tell him when we were free to talk face to face as husband and wife. And i did after our Nikkah. After that there were no doubts, no anxieties, no pressure. Alhamdulillah its been the sweetest ride since then. And now we've travelled halfway across the woirld together to start a new phase of life. InshaAllah it'll be good, just gotta keep praying :)

Rukhsati for Real

I'm finally leaving my parents' house behind and it's killing me. The worst part is that they're not even there waiting for me to come visit. No one's there. All the love that was built into each inch is disappearing. Everyone has moved on and no one seems to feel it but me. I don't wanna shut down and lock up this place. I want it to live and buzz with people and excitement. But it looks like it'll just turn into a ghost house with its furniture covered with sheets, empty cabinets and dusty air.  This was not what my parents had in mind when they put everything into building it. But sadly, no one knows where life will take them and what's in store ahead. All we can do is pray for the best. Oh Allah please protect my house and fill it with happiness again soon.

Constant headache

i don't know what it is but the pounding in my head won't go away. So many worries swirling around, don't let me sleep or maybe its my bulging belly that makes it difficult. The visa, the delivery, the anomaly scan, domicile, officers refusing us on petty issues. I pray and pray, silently, out loud, after prayers, during the day. I know my Lord hears me and won't put me through anything I can't handle but Oh Allah I'm tooo weak to handle anything major now. I used to be strong but his sweetness and care has turned me to butter, how can I be fierce and brave when he's such a strong shield? All i do is worry now and pray for him and us. Allah please help!!

Shadow

It's sad really, to not be brave enough to get what you want; to linger in the past; to not move forward and be different than what you were before; to be so meek and shy; to not be loud and proud. But I guess it's not your fault, it's nature vs. nurture- your environment brought you down. Whatever spark you might have once had, however dim, never got a chance to shine and was squashed a long time ago. Now there's little chance of moving out of the shadow. I hope and pray you do though, it's just not fair otherwise...

I also want to thank my mommy and daddy who gave me the right push and atmosphere to give me confidence to speak my mind, to make my own choices, to be proud of who I am, and not be afraid of what others might think. I read a quote somewhere- what others think of you is none of your business. Lol it's true I guess, why should I care about what they're saying? I'm never going to please them all so I might as well please myself and my Creator. *sigh* I love my brave mama and daddy, may Allah bless them, I pray to give my baby the same upbringing they gave me and my bro and sis (or even something close to it!)

Big Girls Don't Cry

I was feeling guilty to leave this all behind. I was supposed to be the caretaker and now I'm abandoning it? I also felt proud to be the only one in touch with the family's belongings and through it with our sweet history and memories. But as I sat in my purple room and looked around at my juvenile things- a red hula hoop, my ski bear snow globe, my silly stuffed penguin and other cutesy stuff, I realized I gotta move on. Who is it helping if i hold on to the past? There's no way but forward. Of course I can always come back and relive my carefree days from time to time but now i have to grow up for realz! Not only are we moving but a new life is coming into our lives InshaAllah. I can't be the baby anymore- someone else is taking that position. It's definitely scary but I have faith in my Lord and i have my support system by me. InshaAllah it'll be ok. I'll be brave cuz big girls don't cry.