Some things better left unsaid

the previous post(which you now cannot see cuz i removed it) may have been a lil too i dunno weird but whatever if it turns out to be an issue i'll post it back up but for now let's just leave it unsaid :)

Individualist?

free enneagram test
This Enneagram Type Test says Im a type 4- an individualist:
Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an
identity)
Enneagram Four with a Three-Wing: "The Aristocrat"
Enneagram Four with a Five-Wing: "The Bohemian"
Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer."


Sure I am moody and self-conscious and I try to hide reality through fantasy and imagination but an individualist? I never saw myself that way...hmmm.. interesting..

It's Time

I stopped wearing your watch a few days ago. I guess because when I asked myself why am I wearing this? I couldn't come up with any sane answers. they mostly included cuz it was my daddy's! (so?) ; cuz I should keep it safe for him (.....) ; cuz it reminds me of him (aawww) ; and others which my heart can't properly communicate to my brain. Its not that I want to forget you or anything , as if that's even possible, I just thought I should give myself a break I mean it was kind of like an emotional burden travelling around with me throughout my day always reminding me of why Im wearing the watch and not him. So i just didn't put it on one morning and that was that, I felt better, a little relieved from the burden, and my heart didn't have to break everytime I looked at my wrist... i still keep it safe on my desk so its all good...love you!

Self-Sabotage

You can't really put a measure on stupidity, can you? Oh wait you can,- a 0/30!!!

I think somewhere in the back of my mind I want to fail, I want to do poorly otherwise WHY would I make such ridiculous mistakes? I mean i study really hard before these retarded tests, I totally get it when im revising, then what the hell happens during the test?! I freak out, I panic - a 30 mark question- I can't get this wrong, I overthink and screw up, then I mope around for awhile and get over it. But why does this happen every friggen time?! Why can't I just get it right? Loser!!

Just Imagining...

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination

Half of my heart's got you...

-John Mayer

I wish I could read people's minds, some people's more than others. I wish I knew what they were thinking; what they really felt- about life, about their future, about me. What are your dreams?, your vision of a perfect life? where do I fit in? Do I even fit in, as in me, not just any person, I mean me...including my many many flaws (and far far less perfections).... Just wondering is all....

A little more than useless

Well if your plane fell out of the skies

Who would you call with your last goodbye?

-Kris Allen

I sometimes wonder if anything I do ever makes an impact. Do my actions really cause any reactions, any repercussions in this world? Have I really ever helped anyone?; scarred anyone?inspired anyone?; became irreplaceable to anyone? My contributions to people around me are so few and unnoticeable and I'm afraid I never will be a significant piece of their lives.

Which makes me think if I truly deserve all these amazing things (and people) in my life. I never did much good to justify my having this blessed life. I know I'm always thankful for it but did I really earn it? Doesn't it seem like someone else out there is more deserving; someone more pious, more honest, more honorable? It just boggles me at times then I get caught up in everything and these thoughts get whisked away like a candy wrapper on a breezy day; but they always manage to come creeping back in...

6 months later

Its kinda hard with you not around

Know you in heaven smiling down

Watching us while we pray for you

Every day we pray for you

nope, i still can't grasp the fact that he's not coming home again.......

Dreams Suck 2

Again, they really do!!!

I just had a dream about him last night. he was in the hospital, perfectly happy healthy he looked great to me... he was annoyed at being kept there for so long..he needed to get up, get to work, get out of that dreadful dreary room but those stupid doctors were keeping him for no reason. then me and him decided to sneak out... i un-hooked all those horrid IVs gushing poison into my daddy he sprung up off the bed and we ran out of there before those monstrous nurses could get us... i woke up thinking he was home, in his room, probably getting ready to go to work... imagine my dismay when i realized that was so from the truth...

And it's funny that i only remember him happy and healthy i have very little recollection of how he looked when he was sick. being the deranged person that i am, i took pictures of him during that time but i can't bring myself to look at them...i only want to see him in my mind's eye as he always was- strong, sweet and happy...

Rambling

i have a lot many thoughts floating, actually, whizzing around in my mind right now and im afraid i can't get them translated into coherent words and sentences fast enough. but i can tell you this much, they're all revolving around this one nasty word:

It's Not So Bad...

I can make it thru the rain

I can stand up once again on my own

And i know that I'm strong enough to mend

And every time i feel afraid i hold tighter to my faith

And i live one more day and i make it thru the rain.

-Mariah Carey

I guess things aren't as bad as they seemed before. Things seem to be in control now. (sort of). at least now i feel i shouldn't bring myself down by thinking of all the tough times we've been through. Allah blessed us with so many happy memories and occasions; it would be wrong to overlook them and just dwell on the not-so-great stuff. I should reminisce about the warm moments we had, all the sweet things he would do, and all the valuable things he taught me. and i know its going to be hard not having him around to witness new happy occasions but we'll find a way to include him. he's a part of all of us anyway, so he will be there in spirit and he will join in the happiness along with us. He will never be forgotten and I will always be so proud to be known as his daughter. i pray all his kind and generous deeds have travelled with him and act as proof of the pious and noble life he led. may Allah bless him with peace in the grave and a heavenly abode in the afterlife where Inshallah we will all reunite and share in unimaginable happiness. Ameen.

Don't Be a Wuss

its ridiculous how I'm always falling part. i can't control my emotions anymore.its like i have no more strength left. i need constant self pep-talks to get through each mundane task. i keep having to tell myself just get this one thing done then treat yourself with something yummy just to get my mind off him. i don't know why every little thing is reminding me of him and bringing me to tears. i thought it was supposed to get easier as time passed but it only seems to be getting worse.

And then i start thinking (worrying) about the future. how will i fulfill my responsibility towards her? how will she live here alone? and what's most frustrating is that i won't even be in control of anything, I'll just be following this person around wherever they choose to go and i won't be able to stay and look after her. what if something goes wrong? what if she gets hurt? what if I'm not there to help her? how will i forgive myself if anything happened to her? and i know it would all be my fault cuz i wasn't there to protect her. how would i live with such guilt? these thoughts constantly bombard my mind now and there's nothing i can do to stop them. i try praying but that only calms me for so long. i need answers and good answers at that.

you know what else drives me crazy? This cruel and selfish world. its like every one's out to get you and take advantage of you. no one has any compassion or sympathy they're all blood-thirsty vultures waiting for you to drop your guard for one second. they're actually happy that we're suffering they actually smiled and laughed at the funeral. what kind of heartless monsters are you?! just wait to you die you.... no i shouldn't... who knows in what state of Iman I'll die... i can't wish ill for those lowlifes. they'll get theres when its time. some even have the audacity to say that we have no right to talk cuz they have dealt with daddy int he past, not us and we cant even defend our position because that sole eyewitness is no more. how unbelievably cruel to take advantage of that situation and get something that you know isn't yours. don't worry you'll get yours too.

that's the one thing that gives me hope. they'll all get whats coming to them. you reap what you sow. as for me i gotta get it together, keep it together; for her, for me, for our sanity. so suck it up and stop being a wuss!!!

Tears and typing = healing

I'm trying to remember all that happened this year. 2009. What a roller coaster year this has been. Allah has definitely blessed us with happiness and good fortune but it seems the trials and tribulations overshadow them. I don't mean to sound ungrateful because i know things could be way worse. But I just can't get past all the trauma we've witnessed: hospital visits, biopsies coming back positive, diagnosis: squamous cell carcinoma, surgeries and procedures, chemo, radiation, hair falling, weakness, depression, isolation, fear, IVs, needles, blood tests, x-rays, oxygen masks, doctors telling us to prepare ourselves, our last few days with him in stupid Doha (I'm NEVER going back there again) when he told me not to worry, the plane ride that separated us forever, that one last kiss I blew to my Daddy before they took him away, that evil red box that they carried him away in and then I just remember shock, tears, headaches, stomachaches, restless sleep, worry and prayer. Now I just pray for two things: for his forgiveness and that our lives turn out OK cuz I don't know what's in store for me and what's gonna happen later on. I try not to worry too much about it but i really can't help it. and then weird neighbors come over pretending to be sympathetic but then they say such cruel things in the sweetest tones and you want to get up and smack their stupid faces. Why do they think they know what we're going through? That they're coming over is the highlight of our day? Seriously lady, i don't give a damn about how you spend your day or where your kids go to school. i was having more fun sitting in the dark staring at a blank TV screen! I really don't need your fake sympathy and pats on the head! There now I feel better. This incoherent babbling may not nave made much sense to you but whatever at least i feel better...tears and typing = healing. im gonna need a lot more of that!!!

meet the prefect screw-up

I mean seriously how hard is it to reverse a damn car out of a driveway? the sub-IQ monkeys we hire as drivers can do it easily, so why can't I? am i missing that part of my brain that coordinates with the reverse gear, clutch, and accelerator? does my mind not comprehend what the side view mirrors are displaying? seriously whats wrong with me!? I can maneuver the car in the tightest of spaces (well i proved today i cant even do that cuz i knocked over two badly-parked motorcycles and scratched the left side of my beauty of a car) i can park the car INTO the driveway i just cant get the damn thing back out again. n the worst thing is the slightest sign of failure and my brain tells me its OK to cry!! embarrassment on top of embarrassment- dear lord i am the perfect screw-up!!
and then once you mess up in one thing you start doubting the rest of your abilities like now I'm thinking I probably failed halfmy midterms, i probably put to much mirchi in the lunch i made, i bet i even downloaded a virus on to this pristine computer. bravo Madiha, bravo.

Memories

tears come so easily. they just emerge so effortlessly and at the slightest mention of him. just one memory, just one nanosecond-long flashback can trigger them -even if its not one of him suffering, its actually happy and warm but the realization that they're all i have left of him, crush my soul and produce this endless river of tears. i wonder if what everyone says is actually true, will it actually get better with time? will my life really become so full and enjoyable that i'll forget about him? isn't forgetting even worse than mourning? i don't want to forget what happened to him and i don't want to stop crying over him so don't expect me to put on a happy face and say everything's fine and if i act as if everything's fine, just know its only a facade.

Dreams Suck

they do!! i mean you spend so many years thinking about achieving this one thing. you spend your daydreaming sessions coming up with different ways of getting there, what you would do when you finally get it, and how awesome everything will be once you have it. But then life jolts you out of that fantasy and says "get real, loser!" and all that time you spent wishing and hoping turn to waste. So why bother dreaming? they hardly ever come true right? Maybe not... Maybe in the process you come up with a new dream thats more...ummmm practical? perhaps not so far-fetched? I mean you must have grown over these years right? you would want something more/new out of life? so i guess in the end, its ok to dream; just make them a little less 'out there'?

Your Eyes

I just wanted to know what the world looks like through your eyes. I'm sure if we look at the same thing we would interpret them differently like in a Rorschach inkblot test. But i want to know exactly what you see and feel. what's going through your mind when you see that something? If something brings out a feeling of anxiety in me, does it bring you relief? If something makes me happy does it make you uncomfortable? I just want to see the world through your eyes.. maybe it'll be more beautiful.....

The Shaky Ladder

If I may ( of course I may, its my blog!), I would like to narrate a tale to you about a girl.

You know that girl...the girl who everyone thinks is shy, cute, smart , couldn't hurt a fly...always doing good in school, polite, her parents adore her, her big bro and sis protect her, the sweet baby of the family... this story's about her

It was true that she was what everyone thought she was. She was kind (at times.. rarely.. on occasion), she was shy (around people she didnt know too well) and she couldnt hurt a fly (cuz seriously who CAN hurt a fly, they're too fast! unless you're Obama-San hiya!... sorry), but most importantly her parents ADORED her. They would go to great lenghts to protect her from harm and keep her safe. They would always pick and drop her to school,she never had to sit on those stinky school buses. They made sure her mama or brother were nearby if she had to go out for a project or field research. And lots of other small things they would do like once, she recalled, that while replacing a lightbulb her dad held the shaky yellow ladder she stood on. And at times she would feel her life was way too overprotected, that she didn't need their constant supervision (read: support) but at the same time she knew they were only doing it out of love and concern for her. She knew she couldn't have done any of the things she got to do without that same support and care. But now, since her Daddy left, she's not sure who will hold the shaky ladder for her, if any one would even want to hold the ladder for her. She knows she can change a light bulb on her own but it's always nice to know you have someone on the ground for you, letting you do what you have to do, climb up as far as you can go, but also being there to catch you if you happen to mess up and fall. She's just not sure she has someone she can trust that much...

My Life Would Suck Without You

You got a piece of me

And honestly

My life (my life) would suck (would suck) without you

- Kelly Clarkson

Listening to that track over and over like I was under some trance..i kept pushing the replay button as if listening to the next track would lead to some horrible chain of events that would rock the cosmos and blow us all to oblivion. The baby sitting next to me broke my reverie with a food fight, the track changed and I was unable to replay it. Miraculously, nothing exploded. That plane ride can easily be voted as my number one worst flight ever. I knew what I was leaving behind and what I was moving towards. Both sides scared me to tears. I felt guilty leaving him there alone with strangers and unfriendly faces. But I was also afraid to face the place I call home. Would it even be a home without him? But did I really have a choice? I had to come "home"; even though I knew my life, that home, would never be the same without him.

I'm sorry if I ever caused you pain or dissapointed you. You would sometimes call me your little angel. I wish I actually lived up to that. At the hospital you would keep telling me not to worry whenever you saw tears welling up in my eyes. I keep that advice in mind whenever I feel overwhelmed and scared. Inshallah everything will be fine. I pray I can live up to your expectations and dreams you had for me. I want you to be proud of me always. I pray you're at peace. I pray everyday for your forgiveness. I pray there is light where you are. I pray the Almighty is at peace with you. You worked long and hard for us and I love you for that. You deserve to rest now. You have paid your dues. You were always proud and resilient. I never saw you give in; even to the monster that finally... I wear your watch whenever I go out. It's still set to Doha time. I'll change it to local time someday.

In my mind you're not gone. You're just back in New York. I can't possibly accept that you're gone gone. You're just not here right now. We'll meet again someday Inshallah. We will meet again. We will... Love you!!

I'm Stuck

I shouldn't be complaining..life could get much worse...i should be content with what I have been blessed with... God's given me so much and keeps on giving. You see normal people going about their business they seem just like you but once you talk to them and get to know them better you realize they have bigger and worse problems that you never even had to deal with.. But I can't help but wanting my life to be perfect.. well not perfect, just easy or easier.. can't I get rid of all my headaches and worries and problems.. can't someone just take it all off my shoulders.. i don't want to be responsible anymore i want to be a carefree kid again.. thats when we were happy right? (or was I just oblivious to the fact that even back then we had problems).... Ok fine, if I can't go back in time to better days then can i get some kind of guarantee that if i stick through this, then this whole trauma will all be over soon and we can go on living normally? I remember the days when i craved for something new and exciting to happen, I was tired of being stuck in my boring routine life.. who knew I'd be getting my wish in such a dramatic, over-the-top manner... Hey.. I take my wish back... I'd give anything to go back to being bored, it sure beats being scared....

Head meet pillow; pillow meet Zzzz....

Have you ever been so tired, worn out and beaten down by your crazy-hectic day that as soon as you lie down on your comfy bed and rest you head on your fluffy pillow you're out like a light? I miss those nights... I miss being carefree. I miss not having to think about my problems. I miss not having problems. I miss having the luxury of being irresponsible. I miss being tired because I just had a fun-filled day and not an avalanche of mundane tasks that took up my whole day. And most of all I miss being oblivious to life......... What do you miss?
( Hmm funny....For some reason I get those kinds of peaceful nights the night before a Calculus exam...)