fake fake fake

I was trying to fly but I couldn't find wings...

Taylor Swift

Contacts/networks/sources only work when the original 'contact-maker' is involved in the process. No one really recognizes the daughter of said contact-maker and no one really gives a damn when the contact-maker is not in the picture. Sure they'll throw you a bone for old time's sake but then they kinda give you the impression like 'seriously you thought we would take you in?! haha uh.. no!' and sure they're really nice, polite, and 'caring' but when it comes down to it they just aren't gonna help. It's funny how people change when circumstances change. It's funny how you don't know people's motives and intentions beforehand. I wish people could stay steadfast and pure in their intentions. I wish for a lot of silly things don't I? I expect too much from humanity. When will I get it through my thick skull that people aren't nice, they don't care, they have their own motivations and helping out someone else's kid for the sake of helping someone out is not one of them. Well you know what man, I am my father's daughter i can manage without your help. I'm not some poor soul, defenseless, and lost. I have my Almighty's love and my daddy's spirit right by my side so screw you and your fake support! :P

Next day retraction: Some people are nice, like really really nice. See the world ain't so bad

I wish I was.... me!

Despite my many (many) flaws I've come to forgive myself for whatever. For not being so smart with numbers, for not being a social butterfly, for not living up to my own expectations at times, for not getting what I set out to get. Whatever, it's all good! No one can be great at everything and no one can have it all. And yeah I do have an external locus of control. I beleive in destiny- it'll be if it's meant to be. I can't fight what's already been set out for me. It's taken me time to realize it but now I'm comfortable in my own skin. I like me and I don't ever wish I was anyone else. Of course I do wish I can keep improving myself and grow into something better but that 'something better' should be an improved picture of me- not a reflection of anyone else.


It surprises me when people complain about how they wish they were different somehow, had things that others have, had that girl's hair, her eyes, her personality. Seriously? why? Why can't you be happy with what you have? Appreciate your own attributes? You do have it you just don't want to see it. You just like wallowing in self-pity. Be happy with you, content with what you have, grateful for it all. just for a second imagine not even having this much... (sends a chill down your spine right?)


I mean, it's such a drag to hear people go on and on about how they suck at this or aren't good enough for that. Get over it man! Look at what you do have!! Look at what you can do!! If you just realize that, you'll be a much happier person. And maybe I won't have to hear you complain anymore :)

My Selfish Mind

Now when I think about what happened, a small flashback even, it hits me like a pile of bricks; my stomach lurches, my mind reels. Did all that really happen? My sweet daddy went through all that pain for real? Did I just imagine all those horrible things? Can he really be gone? Isn't' he just back in NY? You must be lying- he's not gone. He's right there! Why don't you see him? Why can't I see him? Why am i forgetting? God, my memory sucks. Every painful thing it wipes away. Let me hold on to them you selfish defense mechanism! Those are my memories- how dare you erase them! And why are you also screwing with my happy memories? I'm forgetting the sound of his voice, the way he walked, the way he held the phone to his ear, his laugh, the way the world seemed perfectly safe when he hugged me, his favorite cologne, the way he ate.. It's all getting fuzzy....not good NOT good!!!

Its his birthday today. He would be 60. I can't remember one birthday of his we didn't celebrate maybe it was just an e-card or a childish hand-made one with glitter and hearts or at least a special dinner. *sigh* Allah bless his soul, he was such a sweet man.

Redemption

If we crawl till we can walk again

then we'll run until we're strong enough to jump

then we'll fly until there is no end

-Chris Brown

Note: I was boycotting Chris Brown for the past year cuz he was such a jerk for beating up Rihanna but I think he has redeemed himself with this song (only a little tho)

What would it feel like to do something so awful and ruthless? to cause such irreparable damage to another person? why are there cruel people in the world? And what about those tortured souls who kill others- where do they get their hatred from? and why do good people have to suffer at their hands? *sigh* this world sucks.......

Nooooooo!

Why did they have to restrict YouTube?!! What did poor YouTube do? Fine block Facebook but YouTube!?!!? *sigh*

And besides blocking Facebook in response to this immature and childish attempt to mock Muslims is quite futile in my opinion. If people are that ignorant, cruel, and pig-headed, no amount of protest, rants and rallies will change their minds. No matter how many logical level-headed comments I've posted in defense of Islam, the Prophet (PBUH), hijab or women's rights on various forums it hardly ever has any effect. The next few posts are again degrading crude comments based on stereotypical and biased assumptions.

So what will banning Facebook and YouTube do for our cause? You can't change their minds, they're stuck in their pitiful and disgusting states; why bother with them?!

Funny, Ain't it?

It's funny how people think I'm nice, smart, sweet, pretty(=/), and an overall perfect girl! HAHAHA!!

Dude, you have no idea! I guess it's my appearance. i look like a freakin baby! and my squeaky voice doesn't help much! nor does the fact that i'm totally dependant on my mama! wow! the perfect girl is just a perfect baby not the image of perfection per se. As for my smartness (see that's not even a word!) or (dare i say) good looks in my opinion i have neither in enviable amounts. I admit I might be nice sometimes to people who don't know me too well but overall im kind of a jerk, obnoxious and rude. So yeah i just wish i could stop deluding people :/

Stifled Scream

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

there now that feels better :)

Zoom Zoom

I was going through my old semester files and came across my Speech Communication write-up about 'my passion'. I had so much fun giving that speech it was perfectly delivered and I got the reactions I was hoping for. That speech really changed a lot of things for me. The biggest thing was that I realized I'm not a bad public speaker especially when I'm talking about something truly important to me. I really admire my Speech Comm. teacher Dr. Huma Naz Baqai and i was thrilled that I got good feedback from her. If you're interested here's my speech:

I’m passionate about.... cars! I know you could never tell by looking at me but its true! Im just obsessed about cars especially sports cars. You know the ones that have the $100,000 plus price tags, sleek bodies and amazing features. I’m just crazy about them. And not the typical mustangs, corvettes and hot rods. I like only a select few like the Nissan 350z and the Lexus IS and the Mitsubishi eclipse.

I guess its because I have this fascination with speed and moving at a fast pace. Sports cars stand for just that. Thrills, excitement, and precision movements. It just seems so irresistible. I honestly don’t care about the difference between a V6 and a V8 engine or what kind of shock absorbers are in the car. I’m only interested in its design and structure the colors the interior and all the cool gadgets inside like navigation systems and this new start/stop button which replaces the traditional key.

I also feel that this passion has changed my personality because im always trying to move be quick and get things done. As my friends may tell you sometimes I get a little too pushy when I want to get something done.

I realized this passion when I was still living in New York and was around 13 years old. when I saw my first favorite car- the new Volkswagen Beetle. It’s a really compact and cute car and this young woman was driving it and she just looked so happy and satisfied and in control of her life and I thought I could be that girl someday with my own amazing car and the freedom to do whatever I wanted. And that’s what driving and cars represent for me a sense of liberation freedom and power. Then I thought that if I am driving why not drive an incredibly amazing car?

So that’s how it started and kind of got out of control. When we would go out somewhere I would be on the lookout for new cars when id spot one id like I would go home and order its brochure online. And when I got it in the mail I’d be satisfied for a few days till I got the next one. (Hold up Nissan) this is just one of the brochures I have ordered the rest of the stash is at home.

But that all changed when I came to Pakistan. I only got to see Suzuki’s, Toyotas and Hondas and my passion simmered down. But its still there and surfaces sometimes when I hear about a new car like the Porsche 911 GT2 which is my current favorite or watch movies like the Fast and the Furious.

As I mentioned earlier driving is important to me because it gives me a sense of control and small amount of power. My parents didn’t realize how important it was to me till I constantly pestered them into letting me take driving lessons. Even I was apprehensive at first considering Karachi’s absurd traffic but I willed myself to push forward and go for it. Then finally this past summer I took driving lessons and felt totally at ease

I just like to imagine myself driving my car on an open road, my favorite music playing the rhythmic dance of the clutch-brake-gas and the hum of the engine and being in control of everything. It may sound dramatic but it puts an image of hope and aspiration when I daydream about my car.

So perhaps one day I could open my own car showroom, or someday be in a position to actually buy one or maybe all my dream cars but for now im content with just dreaming about them because it doesn’t hurt to dream right?

Good times :)

Just a Boring Sunday

It's one of those days, when you have too much free time and your mind starts to wander. my mind usually wanders back in time to when things seemed simpler, easier, happier

I was recalling lazy Sundays when we would wake up late. Me and mama would make 'unda and paratha'- uboo's favorite breakfast. then we'd all read our newspapers, joke around, talk about vacation plans and then the Sunday visitors would start coming, mostly Uboo's friends. He'd ask me to make chai or sharbat depending on whether the guests were in a hurry. But mostly it was chai cuz after all my daddy was great company to be around and they wouldn't want to leave too quickly. And when I would bring him the tray he would just smile at me ( the kind of smile only me and Uboojee shared hehe) and my annoyance of having to do kitchen work on a Sunday would just wash away. Then as evening fell and there was nothing else to do, we would all coax Uboo into taking us out for dinner. Sometimes he'd only agree to go someplace nearby but then other times he'd take us to the nicest restaurant in the city- no reason, no celebration just because. Those were the best kinds of Sundays- Lazy yet spontaneous, but most of all, happy :)

My Pride

The Philosophy professor said something today that hit me like a brick. He was talking about when something you deeply love, something very dear to you di- (i can't say it) .. passes away, it changes you, it transforms you into something so different you're unrecognizable. He called it a paradigm shift. Knowing that the thing (or person) you cherished is now lying in a deep dark cold grave; you can never be the same. You become humble, more honest, more practical, the world seems a less welcoming place to live; things that once seemed so important that you would devote hours to them now seem trivial and unworthy of your time. The saddest thing he said was that you can't pride over them anymore you have nothing to show to the world now. All that love compassion and emotions that created this pure relationship are gone. It leaves you hollow like some part of you was carved out, chisled away. Thinking about that just made me feel so empty but then I thought WAIT A MINUTE!. I'm still my father's daughter, I still have the love he gave me, i still have his support and encouragement, I still have all he's taught me, I still have him with me maybe not in person but in mind, spirit and heart. So there, you silly old 'lover of wisdom'. You ain't so wise after all! =P

Stay strong and carry on...

I've been reading again and rediscovering things I once knew and let slip my mind. How could I let myself get so caught up in this life when there is one more after this? One much more important and eternal. Even with such a stark reminder of it in my life, i went on as if oblivious to it all. Yes, i acknowledged it but did I really envision it? Did I really grasp it? I don't think, so otherwise I wouldn't be so weak, ungrateful and loserly. I would be making an effort to please Allah rather than wasting my time in redundant activities. I rediscovered an old nasheed I used to listen to when i was younger and it brought such a flash of insight and i didn't like what i saw in myself. This world as horrible and painful as it is still grasps you and holds your attention that you forget whats truly important- your eternal life.

I think one good way of staying on track is to review your day every night. Note what you didn't like about what you did and avoid it the next day. But that's the thing how can you be sure of the next day or even the next hour?! My soul could pass on this very moment and it will be bearing these deeds ( of which I am sure the evil ones weigh heaviest). I'm reminded of another nasheed "What did I do Today?". Did I use my time; did I use my mind; if I search my heart what will I find; the light of your guidance is a glimmering ray; tell me what did i do today?

I just pray I can follow through with my intentions of improving myself-boy do I need it!

Street View

Google is insane. I just discovered Google street view and ummm... dayem! You can see every detail every pothole and every patch on the roads. You can even see the beige aluminum siding on the traitor's house and his ugly minivan in the driveway; the dead end; the house with the crazy dog; you can even see the house on the corner of Fallwood that was always mysteriously changing owners; the grocery store we would go to alll the time and walk only on the brown tiles (well at least i did!); the park at the end of Kent where we went to see the Columbus Day fireworks with the cousins; the flashback-to-yesteryears Main Street where we would go to get surprise birthday and anniversary presents for mama and uboo; go a little further and see the halal meat store we'd go to and get a little taste of Karachi ; go further and see the cousins' house in Queens where we spent countless afternoons and lazy weekends and then... stand in the same spot where my daddy proudly took a picture of his new apartment we were supposed to spend our summer vacations. The images just left me feeling empty yet overwhelmed; gutted yet satisfied; bittersweet I guess. I wish we were all there together again I wish we had more time together I wish we could all share in the same memories especially the ones to come... Life seems so incomplete without you all... my family... my heart... feels lost... just come back home!

Looking Up

Things are looking better; people are looking better; I feel better. Yeah things aren't so great but they could always get worse. So keep looking ahead, it'll be alright!

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter

As long as I'm laughing with you

I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after

After the life we've been through

-Chris Daughtry

No One Lives Here Anymore

It's my house, I've been living here for 7 years now and never have I felt scared anxious or freaked out, not once. It's the same house I look at in pictures and in home videos. What's changed? But a couple of nights ago when I went on the roof for a bit I actually got shivers and goosebumps as if I had a premonition of something really really bad. What something? I'm not quite sure of that but it was scary and I wished I could have just ran away. This feeling of intense fear and dread spread over me as easily as the cool night air rustled the branches of the neem tree across the street. It seemed as if something evil was watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike, waiting for me to lose my guard and then it would pounce, attacking my very being and all those that are important to me. And all this happened within a span of a few seconds. My mind visualized all these gruesome and horrid images so fluidly as if they once truly did happen right before my eyes. You can be sure i ran downstairs in a panic but not before slamming the roof's metal door to scare away whatever evil lurked near my house. What was that? Why did my mind show me such horrible things? Will I really lose the people I care about? What's wrong? It's as if it's just me now and no one lives here anymore....

Some things better left unsaid

the previous post(which you now cannot see cuz i removed it) may have been a lil too i dunno weird but whatever if it turns out to be an issue i'll post it back up but for now let's just leave it unsaid :)

Individualist?

free enneagram test
This Enneagram Type Test says Im a type 4- an individualist:
Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an
identity)
Enneagram Four with a Three-Wing: "The Aristocrat"
Enneagram Four with a Five-Wing: "The Bohemian"
Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer."


Sure I am moody and self-conscious and I try to hide reality through fantasy and imagination but an individualist? I never saw myself that way...hmmm.. interesting..

It's Time

I stopped wearing your watch a few days ago. I guess because when I asked myself why am I wearing this? I couldn't come up with any sane answers. they mostly included cuz it was my daddy's! (so?) ; cuz I should keep it safe for him (.....) ; cuz it reminds me of him (aawww) ; and others which my heart can't properly communicate to my brain. Its not that I want to forget you or anything , as if that's even possible, I just thought I should give myself a break I mean it was kind of like an emotional burden travelling around with me throughout my day always reminding me of why Im wearing the watch and not him. So i just didn't put it on one morning and that was that, I felt better, a little relieved from the burden, and my heart didn't have to break everytime I looked at my wrist... i still keep it safe on my desk so its all good...love you!

Self-Sabotage

You can't really put a measure on stupidity, can you? Oh wait you can,- a 0/30!!!

I think somewhere in the back of my mind I want to fail, I want to do poorly otherwise WHY would I make such ridiculous mistakes? I mean i study really hard before these retarded tests, I totally get it when im revising, then what the hell happens during the test?! I freak out, I panic - a 30 mark question- I can't get this wrong, I overthink and screw up, then I mope around for awhile and get over it. But why does this happen every friggen time?! Why can't I just get it right? Loser!!

Just Imagining...

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination

Half of my heart's got you...

-John Mayer

I wish I could read people's minds, some people's more than others. I wish I knew what they were thinking; what they really felt- about life, about their future, about me. What are your dreams?, your vision of a perfect life? where do I fit in? Do I even fit in, as in me, not just any person, I mean me...including my many many flaws (and far far less perfections).... Just wondering is all....

A little more than useless

Well if your plane fell out of the skies

Who would you call with your last goodbye?

-Kris Allen

I sometimes wonder if anything I do ever makes an impact. Do my actions really cause any reactions, any repercussions in this world? Have I really ever helped anyone?; scarred anyone?inspired anyone?; became irreplaceable to anyone? My contributions to people around me are so few and unnoticeable and I'm afraid I never will be a significant piece of their lives.

Which makes me think if I truly deserve all these amazing things (and people) in my life. I never did much good to justify my having this blessed life. I know I'm always thankful for it but did I really earn it? Doesn't it seem like someone else out there is more deserving; someone more pious, more honest, more honorable? It just boggles me at times then I get caught up in everything and these thoughts get whisked away like a candy wrapper on a breezy day; but they always manage to come creeping back in...