another year

another August 17.. another year without my daddy.. is it wrong that i don't know how to grieve anymore, it's like im all drained of tears. no time to cry or remember. i feel heartless and cold.  i visited our old house a few days ago and found his wallet, he had the same store loyalty cards i have now! it was nice to think he went to the same places i go now. it would have been so awesome if he was still here to show us stuff, guide us in this new phase of life, i wanted my baby to meet him and play with him. it's not in my hands, life goes on and everything is in Allah's control. and it's always for our benefit, we just don't realize it till later. May Allah bless his soul and may he always be in peace. Ameen.

Slumber

How can you sleep?  so peaceful,  so  content,  so  ignorant,  so blind! wake up, stand up, face Him, bow to  Him, thank Him, beg Him before you sleep your eternal slumber. 

Dimwits

Pakistan is having its elections tomorrow. the same players who have been put in power before are contesting again and dimwits all over Pakistan are eager to vote for them again!!

there is a new face in the running this time and he seems to be a ray of hope for the country. he talks of change, of ridding the nation of its corruption and dysfunction. he promises a new Pakistan where people will have a chance to succeed, to move out of this outdated system, to bring back the nation our founding fathers dreamed of. Is it too good to be true? Are the naysayers right? Will it just be rigged as always? Will the same thugs be put in office again same as countless times before? Why are the masses so weak? so brainwashed? so deprived that giving their families food rations will sway their votes? Why can't they stand up and rebel? Why are well-off people who have the means to vote freely (and the brains) going to sit at home and let their voices remain silent? Why allow the abusers to have their way? You have the chance to bring change! Use it! Sure there may be rigging but at least you'll know you tried! Get up and do something! Aren't you tired of this s@*t??

I was never into Pakistani politics, it always seemed to be the same story. So and so is abusing power for their own benefit, so and so is laundering money from taxpayers, so and so is allowing their fellow citizens to die like worthless animals in the name of 'collateral damage'. but now when there is a chance for change i don't want it to go to waste. I want a new Pakistan! Don't you?  

Use your voice! Vote Wisely!!! May Allah help us all!

Catching Up

Last night I had a sweet dream. My daddy called me on my cell phone just to catch up. He was calling from his office in between some task or the other. He asked how the new apartment was and if the baby was being good and not bothering me too much. He seemed happy and I went on as if we spoke only yesterday. When I woke up I felt lighthearted and peaceful. I liked seeing my daddy in his usual mode- happy, busy, caring.
I've heard your spirit travels to the places you see in your dreams. I hope that's true, I just might have met my daddy for awhile. I hope he is happy where he is and knows we all miss him everyday. I wish he was still here to see me all grown up with a family of my own. But that's life, it's Allah's will- I can only pray for his eternal peace. May Allah bless his soul.

greener grass

it's so easy to think your life sucks. you look to others and think they have everything and they must be perfectly content. truth is, you don't know what they're going through. how do you know their lives aren't tougher than yours in one way or the other? how do you know they're not struggling to get something you already have? you might have painted a picture of your perfect life and someone else has it while you have something totally different. it's not easy but have patience and be thankful for what you do have. The Supreme Creator has given you what you have (or not given you what you want) for a reason and in the end it's only for your own good. 

Mama madness

I'm like a zombie now. All I do is feed the baby, change the baby's diaper, put the baby down to sleep, and then start again. My mind is totally blank and unable to think of things beyond the baby. And his colicky nights are  icing on the cake. A constantly screaming baby can do wonders for your mental health. By 10:30 the lights are out so baby can sleep and we can gather our senses. You would think I can finally get some 'me-time' but I'm so exhausted by then that I just lie down next to baby and I'm out in a second. Weirdly enough, the bathroom is now my retreat, the one place where no one can bother me.
What bugs me the most is that we can't do things like we used to. Get up and go somewhere without a plan or worry. Now it's the stroller, the car seat, the baby bag, is it too cold out, is he being fussy and on and on. It's better to just stay home and stare at the walls. I'm out of touch with my friends who are all busy in their own lives. But then again what would I talk to them about now? I don't have much to talk about, I mean my life is just about baby now. Would they be interested to know he was extra gassy last night or his poo was orange today? Yeah I doubt that.
Patience is the only thing keeping us sane. Keeping calm and telling yourself he's just a baby when you feel like yelling and pulling your hair out. Mamas are amazing, aren't they? I've totally come to appreciate my mama and all the other mamas out there. this is the toughest job with the least payback. You all (and me too) deserve a break, a big reward, like a day off- no a month off!...but then I'd miss the little booger.. dammit why'd he have to be so cute?

3 years

another year has gone by. i miss him a lot. some days more than others. it's sad how im forgetting things about him. i wish i had a memory booster or something, i hate having these fuzzy and unclear images in my mind.

his watch had stopped working a few weeks ago and it totally killed me. i just couldn't stand to see it lifeless and still so i got its battery replaced and shined it up. when i was going to the hospital for the delivery, i kept it with me. it was nice to have his presence there somehow. you know the saddest thing? this baby will never know his nana and if i keep losing my memories about him, how will i pass them on? maybe they met up in heaven? maybe my daddy sees my baby now? What would Uboojee say if he held his baby's baby? *sigh* im no baby anymore..

God life is so weird. there was a time when we were all together and shared every happy or sad moment as a family. now look at us, we're all over the place only talking on the phone or email or texts. Meeting in person is now a hassle. we only greet each other as a formality and everyone's consumed in their own little lives. I have a feeling as time goes on we'll only drift further apart. and all those fuzzy memories will only be distant voices and forgotten dreams. nice.

Fanatic

People think I've changed; actually I'm still the same, they've just gotten to know me better. My inclination towards religion may not have been so strong before, it was more of a formality but ever since my Daddy left and I needed more powerful help than any person could give me I turned towards my Creator. That was the biggest healing force for me and I've stuck with it ever since. I started reading more, learning more, trying to understand what is allowed and not allowed.  I'm not saying I'm an angel now or something, I'm far from it but I do want to live my life according to the teachings of Islam.
Another driving force is this life inside of me. If I want it to be good, no better than me, I have to be the example. I can't expect it to be noble and kind, pious and virtuous without at least showing some of it myself. This is a new stage in my life and I don't want to taint it with the wrong decisions. Do you know how scary it is when you think you'll be held responsible for its sins and misdoings aside from your own?
This place I'm living in now is full of temptations and they all seem so easy but isn't that the real test? To stick with what you know in your heart is right and not to give in?
Maybe I should have put my viewpoint across sooner, it was naive of me to assume everyone would think the same way as me. But it's out there now, and I'm not backing down. It's not just my future on the line, it's this little one's too...

sixty-two

June 7th was my daddy's birthday. He would have been 62. the last birthday card i made for him was a last minute project. i printed out a black-n-white 'happy birthday uboojee' on paper, colored it with highlighters and sprinkled it with glitter. mama bro and i wrote little messages to him, mostly about him recovering soon and being with us to celebrate many more. that night we watched paul blart: mall cop and get smart- my daddy actually laughed after a long time. who would have known 2 months later he'd be in a hospital bed just barely holding on. Oh Allah please bless his soul. I wonder if these memories will ever not make me burst out into tears. ok i just gave myself a headache, i should go lay down.

Motherly What?

I'm sorry but I don't feel those emotions I'm 'supposed' to. Babycenter.com is telling me to write a letter to my baby and we can read it together later. Ummm ok.. Dear baby, stop kicking me! Sincerely, Me. Celine Dion wrote a song for her baby, A new day has come, she goes on about how she sees a light in the sky and angels and this pure love. Yeah sorry I don't see those things.

I'm reading these forums where these expectant mothers can't wait to see their little princess or little man. I just can't wait to get my body back, it's a bit unnerving knowing there is another human squirming around inside you and feeding off of you. And the constant fatigue and backaches aren't fun either.

Am I evil or something? Am i missing that motherly instinct gene? Or is this whole process just really creepy? I don't know *sigh*

Letter for my Love

Exactly one year ago, I was sitting in IBA City campus' Prayer Room. I was waiting for the shuttle back to Main campus. I decided to write a letter to my soon-to-be hubby, not to be delivered to him of course cuz I never had the guts to tell him how I really felt until after we were married. But by then I was totally into him the poor guy just didn't know it. There were exactly two months left till our wedding. The invitations were printed, most of my shopping was done, jewelry and dresses were being prepared. I was a mixture of nervousness, anxiety for my finals that were to fall on dates around the wedding functions, and a sense of fulfillment that finally we'll be together. I never let him catch on how strongly I felt and later I found out he was convinced I had zero feelings for him. lol but I wanted to tell him when we were free to talk face to face as husband and wife. And i did after our Nikkah. After that there were no doubts, no anxieties, no pressure. Alhamdulillah its been the sweetest ride since then. And now we've travelled halfway across the woirld together to start a new phase of life. InshaAllah it'll be good, just gotta keep praying :)

Rukhsati for Real

I'm finally leaving my parents' house behind and it's killing me. The worst part is that they're not even there waiting for me to come visit. No one's there. All the love that was built into each inch is disappearing. Everyone has moved on and no one seems to feel it but me. I don't wanna shut down and lock up this place. I want it to live and buzz with people and excitement. But it looks like it'll just turn into a ghost house with its furniture covered with sheets, empty cabinets and dusty air.  This was not what my parents had in mind when they put everything into building it. But sadly, no one knows where life will take them and what's in store ahead. All we can do is pray for the best. Oh Allah please protect my house and fill it with happiness again soon.

Constant headache

i don't know what it is but the pounding in my head won't go away. So many worries swirling around, don't let me sleep or maybe its my bulging belly that makes it difficult. The visa, the delivery, the anomaly scan, domicile, officers refusing us on petty issues. I pray and pray, silently, out loud, after prayers, during the day. I know my Lord hears me and won't put me through anything I can't handle but Oh Allah I'm tooo weak to handle anything major now. I used to be strong but his sweetness and care has turned me to butter, how can I be fierce and brave when he's such a strong shield? All i do is worry now and pray for him and us. Allah please help!!

Shadow

It's sad really, to not be brave enough to get what you want; to linger in the past; to not move forward and be different than what you were before; to be so meek and shy; to not be loud and proud. But I guess it's not your fault, it's nature vs. nurture- your environment brought you down. Whatever spark you might have once had, however dim, never got a chance to shine and was squashed a long time ago. Now there's little chance of moving out of the shadow. I hope and pray you do though, it's just not fair otherwise...

I also want to thank my mommy and daddy who gave me the right push and atmosphere to give me confidence to speak my mind, to make my own choices, to be proud of who I am, and not be afraid of what others might think. I read a quote somewhere- what others think of you is none of your business. Lol it's true I guess, why should I care about what they're saying? I'm never going to please them all so I might as well please myself and my Creator. *sigh* I love my brave mama and daddy, may Allah bless them, I pray to give my baby the same upbringing they gave me and my bro and sis (or even something close to it!)

Big Girls Don't Cry

I was feeling guilty to leave this all behind. I was supposed to be the caretaker and now I'm abandoning it? I also felt proud to be the only one in touch with the family's belongings and through it with our sweet history and memories. But as I sat in my purple room and looked around at my juvenile things- a red hula hoop, my ski bear snow globe, my silly stuffed penguin and other cutesy stuff, I realized I gotta move on. Who is it helping if i hold on to the past? There's no way but forward. Of course I can always come back and relive my carefree days from time to time but now i have to grow up for realz! Not only are we moving but a new life is coming into our lives InshaAllah. I can't be the baby anymore- someone else is taking that position. It's definitely scary but I have faith in my Lord and i have my support system by me. InshaAllah it'll be ok. I'll be brave cuz big girls don't cry.

Sorry, wrong address

I was awake in bed, thinking I was in my purple room, wrapped in my pink heart blanket, that my mama was having breakfast downstairs. But when I opened my eyes I was here, in this grey room with green curtains o.O My mind said run, get out. I felt like I would be caught for trespassing. Odd one out. Stranger. Alien. But apparently I've been living here for awhile. Silly me, guess I forgot.

Scarf and Gown

IBA announced the convocation date for the batch of 2011.  I got goosebumps seeing the ad and also a sinking feeling having realized 'this is it'-We're officially graduating! It's a bittersweet feeling I guess. It'll be the first time I'll actually wear a cap and gown (that is if you don't count my kindergarten graduation).  It'll be awesome to see everyone together again, receive our degrees, and party later. But you know what's even more awesome? Neither my mom nor my dad will be there to see me graduate! They put me through school and won't even be there to see the final result. That's just...awesome =/ But hey, Insh Allah my hubby can make it and cheer me on =) Even so, I'm thankful for all that my parents (and siblings) had to put up with to get me this far. I really must have annoyed the heck out of them. May Allah bless you all! I love you so much.

Losing

When the people around you are totally opposite you; when your in a less than dominant position; when you have little chance of escape; when you're brain damagingly useless; when you have a destination that seems so far out of reach; you're bound to go crazy right? Or are you supposed to just blend in as the saying goes if you can't beat em, join em? But oh God! I so don't want to be like them. I love me and my silliness and my ability to smile for more than 3 seconds, to laugh at loud, to jump around to a fun song, to go out and try, to accept new things, to change, to grow, to move on and not hold on to the past. I refuse to blend in. I will not become like you and God forbid I ever do!

But what's freaking me out is that I think I slowly am :( I'm starting to think things aren't possible, that going against the system will cause too much trouble, that things aren't worth my efforts, that I should just stay on one track without thinking if it's what I really want. I don't know. It feels like I'm slowly giving up. My spunk, my edge, my sarcasm, my goofy humor it's all going down the drain. Even my writing has gone towards the dull side. I used to be able to make my sister laugh like crazy- I can't even do that anymore. I used to have non-serious fights with my brother, I could call him whatever and the next moment we'd be fine- I don't even have the guts to call him a jerk anymore! I used to laugh at silly commercials on TV. I used to sing out loud with my favorite songs. I've been on my best behavior for so long now! Is this what becoming a mature adult is? Or is this losing your personality to a dull and lifeless environment? God, I don't want to lose myself!

33

Today is my parent's 33rd wedding anniversary. Or I should say it would have been. But how amazing is it to stay so strong, united as one for 30+ years. We can look to them as an example of what marriage should be- teamwork, sacrifice, love, respect, and an element of fun and adventure. If my marriage comes out anywhere near that, I would be happy. Of course its only been 3 months (less than that actually) and we haven't really faced any life changing hurdles (thankfully) but from what I've seen and felt so far is that we are pretty good together Alhamdulillah and will continue to grow stronger and closer together over time InshAllah. Hugs for my sweetheart!

2 Years

No I still don't believe it. I still think he's back in New York or travelling somewhere else and just can't call home. Yes I do pray for him every chance I get but the realization has still not come (and I pray it never comes!)

It's funny how this pain had made me so expressive. I would vent out all the hurt and shock on this very forum. But this new love, this new sense of security has left me speechless somehow. I'm honestly blank; I have no words except... Thank God there's you.