Sorry, wrong address

I was awake in bed, thinking I was in my purple room, wrapped in my pink heart blanket, that my mama was having breakfast downstairs. But when I opened my eyes I was here, in this grey room with green curtains o.O My mind said run, get out. I felt like I would be caught for trespassing. Odd one out. Stranger. Alien. But apparently I've been living here for awhile. Silly me, guess I forgot.

Scarf and Gown

IBA announced the convocation date for the batch of 2011.  I got goosebumps seeing the ad and also a sinking feeling having realized 'this is it'-We're officially graduating! It's a bittersweet feeling I guess. It'll be the first time I'll actually wear a cap and gown (that is if you don't count my kindergarten graduation).  It'll be awesome to see everyone together again, receive our degrees, and party later. But you know what's even more awesome? Neither my mom nor my dad will be there to see me graduate! They put me through school and won't even be there to see the final result. That's just...awesome =/ But hey, Insh Allah my hubby can make it and cheer me on =) Even so, I'm thankful for all that my parents (and siblings) had to put up with to get me this far. I really must have annoyed the heck out of them. May Allah bless you all! I love you so much.

Losing

When the people around you are totally opposite you; when your in a less than dominant position; when you have little chance of escape; when you're brain damagingly useless; when you have a destination that seems so far out of reach; you're bound to go crazy right? Or are you supposed to just blend in as the saying goes if you can't beat em, join em? But oh God! I so don't want to be like them. I love me and my silliness and my ability to smile for more than 3 seconds, to laugh at loud, to jump around to a fun song, to go out and try, to accept new things, to change, to grow, to move on and not hold on to the past. I refuse to blend in. I will not become like you and God forbid I ever do!

But what's freaking me out is that I think I slowly am :( I'm starting to think things aren't possible, that going against the system will cause too much trouble, that things aren't worth my efforts, that I should just stay on one track without thinking if it's what I really want. I don't know. It feels like I'm slowly giving up. My spunk, my edge, my sarcasm, my goofy humor it's all going down the drain. Even my writing has gone towards the dull side. I used to be able to make my sister laugh like crazy- I can't even do that anymore. I used to have non-serious fights with my brother, I could call him whatever and the next moment we'd be fine- I don't even have the guts to call him a jerk anymore! I used to laugh at silly commercials on TV. I used to sing out loud with my favorite songs. I've been on my best behavior for so long now! Is this what becoming a mature adult is? Or is this losing your personality to a dull and lifeless environment? God, I don't want to lose myself!

33

Today is my parent's 33rd wedding anniversary. Or I should say it would have been. But how amazing is it to stay so strong, united as one for 30+ years. We can look to them as an example of what marriage should be- teamwork, sacrifice, love, respect, and an element of fun and adventure. If my marriage comes out anywhere near that, I would be happy. Of course its only been 3 months (less than that actually) and we haven't really faced any life changing hurdles (thankfully) but from what I've seen and felt so far is that we are pretty good together Alhamdulillah and will continue to grow stronger and closer together over time InshAllah. Hugs for my sweetheart!

2 Years

No I still don't believe it. I still think he's back in New York or travelling somewhere else and just can't call home. Yes I do pray for him every chance I get but the realization has still not come (and I pray it never comes!)

It's funny how this pain had made me so expressive. I would vent out all the hurt and shock on this very forum. But this new love, this new sense of security has left me speechless somehow. I'm honestly blank; I have no words except... Thank God there's you.

Abandon Me

Sometimes it feels like I'm totally alone. I'm looking at pictures and missing my family soooo much. I know it sucks but I can't be there for my mom and so she had to move back and I know it's pointless but oh how I wish my daddy was here for her. It's so heartbreaking that when it was finally their alone time, after all the struggle and hard work, it was his time to go. Oh Allah give them both peace. But looking at our old family pictures reminds me of how happy we were, so close, so perfect. Now we're scattered around the world and beyond. My only source of comfort is my sweetheart. I pray I always have him by my side. Love you!

Another time, another place

Im looking at old photographs and thinking did all that really happen only a few years ago? Maybe it's my bad memory but everything seems like it happened ages ago. Even IBA, which just ended a month back, seems a distant and vague recollection. I want to hold on to those memories and feelings longer but somehow they're slipping away.

The mama-and-me team

Now that I'm away from home with not much to do, I can't help but look back over the last few months. My mom and I did so much stuff together not just for the weddings but other major tasks too, we made a great team. i sometimes feel guilty for breaking it up but life has to move on right? Almost two years of continuous one-on-one time and it made me realize what a strong, smart, steadfast, brave and adorable woman my mama is. I'm so proud of her and hope I can be even a tiny bit like her. love you mama!

Finally Mine

Remember those walls I built

Well, baby they're tumbling down

And they didn't even put up a fight

They didn't even make a sound

I found a way to let you in

But I never really had a doubt

Standing in the light of your halo

I got my angel now

Everywhere I'm looking now

I'm surrounded by your embrace

Baby I can see your halo

You know your my saving grace

You're everything I need and more

It's written all over your face

Baby I can feel your halo

Pray it won't fade away

-Beyonce

Where did this come from? It's like a switch flipped inside me as soon as I signed those papers. All I could think was now he's mine, we're together now forever Inshallah. how awesome :) Alhamdulillah.

Mirror neurons

So humans have these funky little things in their brains that make them imitate others- monkey see, monkey do! Like if one person starts yawning, another might too after seeing the first. Or if one person starts crying on an emotionally charged day, they get others to cry too.

I never thought I’d cry over graduating from IBA but today, seeing all these adorable people around me, taking pictures, cheering on class pride, and eventually saying their good-bye’s and good-luck’s, it finally got to me. (And the person hugging me and crying on my shoulder didn’t help stop the tears either.) But leaving behind 4 awesome years of your life is not easy. We saw each other 6 days a week, completed horrible projects together, battled creepy teachers together, shared so much of ourselves with each other, but most of all became adults together. Now I know things will not be the same; it’s time to move on and it’s scary. But I wish you all the best and hope to stay in touch. It was an honor to get to know all of you. Class of 2011 forever! <3

Forget you

I had written a lengthy post about you but then I thought why waste my words on the likes of you. so just... step. If you can't be happy for me then whatever, i don't need your negativity

Babul ka yeh ghar

I’ll be leaving my parent’s house next month, Inshallah. It’s a big step I know living in a new place. I was watching these old Indian rukhsati songs on YouTube like http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HE8FE7Vk2TU. They’re sweet but dude, why is everyone crying?! They look as if she’s going to her death or her in-laws are like executioners waiting to flip the switch! LOL! Relax people she's not dying, she's just moving out. And it's not like you'll never see her again, in fact most brides go back home the next day! So what's all the fuss about? I guess these silly old people had the idea that once the girl leaves her house there’s no coming back. And the whole idea of ' roh roh key bhulana hai'?! hello! she's still your daughter, is it really possible to forget a whole person? Well, I guess it can be an emotional time but seriously get a grip! No waterworks! (God I hope I don't cry! :S)

weddings, births, and funerals

Can you believe it's been 10 years exactly since my family and I landed at Jinnah Terminal to start our lives over. I can still remember how sick and grossed out I felt that whole first week, partly from worry and uncertainty, partly from jet lag. But thankfully, it got better over time and now this place feels like home (despite all the problems).
Damn. What a roller coaster ride these ten years have been, with additions to the family and severe losses too. Now I'm wondering where I'll spend the next 10 years and what's to come ahead?

Calling Uboo...

"The system cannot recognize this number. Please call 111 from your mobile for assistance."

...I guess my network doesn't cover heaven :/

Well I just wanted to tell you I'm getting married now to the one you approved for me. You were right, he's a really sweet and nice guy. He's gonna take good care of me and we'll be happy together Inshallah. I miss you I love you I wish you could have been here to to see me off, to say a prayer for us, to give me a big hug. But it's ok, you told me not to worry and I know we have your blessings . I pray you're at peace. I pray I make you proud. I'm so honored to be known as your daughter.

I love you my Uboojee :)

Bridezilla

Who would have thought that I would become one of those obnoxious, rude, stuck up, annoying little biotches whose monstrous side shines through when their wedding rolls around?! But I can't help it- people are just STUPIDDDD! This is my wedding people, get with it!

I mean it starts out ok, but as their stupidity grows, my patience wears thin. I ask nicely "can I see the purple one"; "no, the purple one"; "the one on your right"; "your OTHER right!"; "Dude, its the only purple one there!!"; "Oh forget it, I'll get it myself!".

And some losers just stare blankly back at me when I'm describing what I want, as if I'm speaking French. And then I get even more annoyed and start speaking in such an arrogant tone; I can hear the bitchiness dripping from my words and I'm thinking is that really me talking? But again why are they so stupid? And my poor mom even gets a little intimidated, then I feel bad, but again..... stupid people make me angry

Oh and the guy at the card printing shop had an issue that why haven't you written 'late' next to your father's name. (Why would I write he's 'late' when he's not even coming?!) but seriously he was so adamant that you should write the truth, I'm like people already know the truth we don't need to reiterate over and over again and he's like but what if I came to your wedding and ask to meet your father, I'm like who the f*** is inviting you!?

Ugggh! stupid, stupid, stupid... I just want this crazy hectic time to be over ASAP!!

Silent

All of the things that I wanna say just aren't coming out right

-Lifehouse

Impending Implosion

there are tooooo many things going on! I think my brain will implode at any given moment now. ugggh I wish I had more hours in a day.... oh well :/

contradictions

All my life I've been good but now I'm thinking what the hell?!
-Avril Lavigne

You treat me like a baby then expect me to be a mature responsible adult. You say you trust me but watch me like a hawk. You've given me full liberty to do what I want and yet I'm always left out cuz "i didn't get permission". that's fair! o.O I get it that you're concerned for my wellbeing but come onnnn, how old do you think i am, 5?!

.......Later- my own contradiction: Maybe I should be more grateful for your sacrifices but maybe you can give me a little freedom once in a while, huh?

Perfect

A moment of contentment. of peace. of satisfaction. with the cool night breeze carrying a sweet flowery fragrance. with the moon giving off a dull glow. with the stars assembled in their familiar patterns. with the world around me quiet and serene. with a string of 'Subhanallah, Alhamdullilah, Allahuakbar' running through my mind. I somehow knew everything would be alright. that we would be happy together Inshallah. recalling the day and thinking this is easy. Perfect. Just Perfect.

It's Like That

It's a special occasion

Mimi's emancipation

A cause for celebration

I ain't gonna let nobody's drama bother me

Cause it's my night

No stress, no fights

I'm leaving it all behind

No tears, no time to cry

Just making the most of life

-Mariah Carey

Happiness

:D

Thank you Allah, I needed it...

Bored

I have things to do- an assignments due tomorrow, stuff from work, stuff at home, i should start studying (midterms start this week!) but here i am facebooking and youtubing. I am the biggest procrastinator you'll ever meet. I know I have all this stuff to do but I'll wait till the last possible second to get it done and in the mean time I'll lounge around totally bored out of my mind looking up random videos and stalking people I hardly know. awesome.

really?

A year and seven months, a whole YEAR and 7 months?! Really? Where did all that time go? Before, every Monday would hurt, then it was every 17^th, now I don’t even realize that a whole month has flown by! You can say I’m healing but I think it’s more of a numbness, a defense; I block out any painful thought but oh whenever any one happens to break through, it hurts like you’ll never know.

And how I miss his presence. When he would come home and the world would feel safe again. When he would laugh at my silliness. When he would give me a hug and a kiss and make me feel like a princess. When he would actually listen to my opinions and make me feel smart. He was a good man, a great father, bless his soul.

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday

Artificial Sweetner

I told you I'm not a nice person, I've been trying to tell you I'm not the sweet girl you think I am. I thought my blog posts had conveyed that message, but still you chose not to beleive me. Do you beleive it now? I hate fighting, especially with you, because you're just too important to me. but I guess it was inevitable cuz again, I'm not a nice person. Too bad you had to see this side of me but that's just how I am :/

Not Again

This evil disease has stricken yet another loved one. I don't want another family to go through what we did. It's so awful, the memories are just flooding back, of the struggle, of the constant praying, of the hoping it all turns out ok. The poor man is in hospital now, May Allah give him strength, give his family strength. This is just too heartbreaking.. not again, please not again

WTH?!

Am I a wuss or what?! The painter people painted over all the marks on the walls of the house and i feel like I just lost something. Why am I so emo? It's really annoying sometimes!! I get attached to the silliest things and feel totally empty if I lose them and these are just useless things- like marks on the wall, =S (you don't wanna see me when I lose something or someone important) but then again they're just not marks; they're memories, they've been a part of this house for years and now suddenly they've been wiped clear, as if they were never there. It's hard enough to keep images of our cute little family fresh in my mind, now you go and wipe away the physical remains of it. Great.

At least my room is untouched and I won't allow anyone to move any of Uboo's office stuff in the basement, so don't even ask. His files, his drawers, papers and books, pens and stationary, will stay exactly where he left them as long as I'm around. And I honestly don't give a damn if you think I'm psychotic; that's just how I am, deal with it :P

Rediscovering

I was talking to a friend today as she was tweeking her blog. She was talking about how she was trying her best to adopt more Islamic principles into her life. I admire her zeal and pray Allah helps her on this journey.

But it got me wondering why people are so quick to shy away from or outright ridicule someone who is trying to 'move towards the light' if you will. Why, especially in this 'Islamic Republic" of ours, are people so quick to shun any such behavior yet so quick to adopt and actually promote things that are totally against it. Do they truly believe these simple yet such profound principles are outdated and 'backwards' or are they just feeling insecure about their own weaknesses? I mean shouldn't you be encouraging someone who wants to better themselves rather than putting them down? Whatever, it's really not about the people anyway now is it? He's up there watching, He knows what's in your heart, He knows your intentions; if they're pure then you have nothing to worry about.

Soulmate

"And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily in that are signs for those who reflect" (Quran 30:21).

I simply adore this Quranic verse. Doesn't it make you feel all warm and happy inside? Knowing that there's this one person made for you- just for you; and you for them. How amazing is that? Subhanallah

Blank

Have you ever had so many thoughts, emotions, fears, excitement, anxiety, visions, things to do-mundane things, spiritual things, all swirling around in your little head that at one point they eventually turn to nothingness? Blank. white. nothingness. you're frozen. but it's not a bad thing. you're brain just needs a break. silence. sleep. sshhhh!

There always needs to be one that is willin'

To throw a rope down to someone who's slippin'

But sometimes you gotta know when to let it go...

-Nadia Ali

nerves

when i get nervous i eat (in other cases i starve myself, its pretty cool actually i can go hours without anything but a glass of water :D). but in this case im craving nasty junky food. fatty greasy artery-clogging food. i'm stuffing my face as i type these very words. Lord help me, there's a whole mass of nuggets and samosas sitting in the fridge taunting me, begging to be devoured, and my nervous racing mind is not helping; but it'll be ok soon ( i hope!) :P

S*%t Happens

It's happened to you too I'm sure. you plan. you dream. you have it all figured out. But, (there's always a but) it neverrrr works out the way you thought it would. it all seems to go horribly wrong. those images you conjured up are all gone, but you know in the end it usually turns out alright. So the moral of the story (what story??) is: don't plan; don't have expectations; better yet just don't think about it; whatever's meant to be, will be. So screw the worrying and the tossing and turning that comes when you lose sleep over it cuz s*%t happens, get over it! :P

As a river flows

Gently to the sea

Darling so it goes

Some things are meant to be

- UB40 (a totally unrelated song)

Bipolar

I'm someone filled with self-belief

I'm haunted by self-doubt

I've got all the answers

I've got nothing figured out

I like to be by myself

I hate to be alone

I'm up and I am down

But that's part of the thrill

Part of the plan

Part of all of the things I am

-Hilary Duff

What is wrong with me?! One second I’m as happy as ever, chilling in my room with the radio blasting and a few hours later I’m so bummed I’m on the verge of tears! Seriously, I need to get a grip!

Biotches who talk too much

So I met this lady after a long time and she's like 'bari dieting shieting chal rahi hai hmm?' with that annoying smirk and eyebrow thing annoying people do and I'm like god, you're such a dumbass! You try losing your father and watching him go through all that he did and lemme know if you'd still have the same appetite as you did before. So yeah I lost a little weight, gimme a break!

God, what is with people? Either you're too fat or too skinny, too ugly or too pretty, too light or too dark, too slutty or too saintly!! Is there no end to your useless and condescending comments?! Seriously, you need to get a life and mind your own business biotch!

2011

Hey you, hey you

Now we're into something new...

...Not open to suggestions

I'm dreaming of you and me dancing

- JoBros

So this is the year, huh? The year of big changes; moving to another stage in life. Just wishing, hoping, and praying everything goes smoothly and it all works out perfectly for everyone. God, I'll miss my daddy sooo much but I like to think that he's happy and with us throughout. His baby's growing up, I hope I make him proud. =' )