Freak!

So I was watching music videos of old songs I heard while growing up and for some insane reason i remembered one particular one that scared the hell out of me when I was like 10 or 11 (and my brother just loved torturing me about it). I knew it was disturbing back then but I'm like hey I'm older now maybe it was really that bad. So here i am at 1 in the night, alone in the basement, watching this demonic video (Marilyn Manson-the beautiful people) and ummm yeah it still creeps me out, but thankfully not as bad as it did when I was younger. (WTH is this guy's problem anyway?) Whatever, I couldn't finish watching it I really couldn't bear to sit through this guy's absurd idea of 'beautiful people'. Can you say freak show!?!

Burden

The current scenario is blatantly telling me that I'm a burden on everyone. I'm not pulling my weight, dumping my problems on others and stopping those close to me from living their lives. I feel like a useless jerk, taking up other people's time and efforts just so I can benefit. It really sucks. And once one party 'gets rid of me', my responsibility will be thrust upon another poor soul. Lol God help him! If only I were able to live without such powerless-ness and reliance on others, I'd rather be the one other people relied on.

Panic Attack!

heart pounding, knees shaking, hands jittery, body shivering, mind blurring, vision hazy... yup sounds like panic to me!

Brown bagging it- but not for long...

So I woke up extremely late today and I had about five minutes to get ready for school. I rushed, actually stormed, around my room gathering the stuff I needed for the day and my stomache was rumbling with hunger pangs ( which is funny cuz I hardly ever feel hungry anymore) anywho, when I got downstairs I saw my adorable mama had packed a lunch for me- a sandwich, apple and a pack of cookies in a neatly folded brown paper bag. My heart melted at the sight and I felt so blessed to have her with me. She is an awesome strength, a soft shoulder and a warm smile. She's done so much for us for so long and I hardly ever appreciated her for it. And then it hit me- after a few more months, I'll be out of this home, so far from her and all that I've ever known, living on my own, on someone else's turf; with people expecting me to be smart, to handle it all gracefully. Eeek! how will I manage? How can I, retarded Madiha, possibly take care of myself (and another family) without her? *sigh* seems like my brown bagging days are coming to an end.

Click

These upcoming midterms are making me nostalgic for things that are yet to occur. I wish I had that remote control Adam Sandler had in Click. I want to freeze the next few months and watch them go by in slow motion. I want to savor these last few months of zero responsibility, adorable friends, acting silly, having tons to study but never sitting down and focusing, my overall laziness, and daydreaming about the future. I'm going to miss everything so much- the campus, the people (even the ones I didn't like so much or who were just downright annoying), my office and PC, the crazy teachers, the blood-sucking projects and assignments, making powerpoint slides a few hours before presenting, using technology to 'help' each other on not-so-surprise quizzes, the feeling of belonging and of course the countless, senseless and yet so meaningful convos we had. I'll miss it all soooo much, I wish I could hold on to it all, at least in memory, forever- No wonder they say IBA Forever! :)

The thread and tweezer

I'm in a pickle..a dilemma..i'm so confused!!

Shaping my eyebrows is...(was?!)... so critical to my 'beautification' it was the only thing that made me feel pretty (apart from my mascara and eyeliner)... i felt so confident and sure of myself after i got them threaded.. i looked good for a while but I just recently (Actually just a few minutes ago) found out that it's actually HARAM?!?! HOw? WHy? What am I gonna do now?! I'm literally in tears right now... You know I stopped wearing eye make-up to university cuz i get that it's defeating the purpose of hijab but my eyebrows were like really important to me... Am I whining and complaining for no reason?-yes, but this is too scary! you do not want to see me without threaded eyebrows--trust me! Oh the uglinessss!

The Hadith says you're not supposed to change Allah's creation so that includes plucking and cutting facial hair (so i guess that applies to men too and them shaving their beards?) except in the case where you look really ugly and your husband is grossed out by you! (I don't think I fall in that category..I hope :/) i read this girl's dilemma too: http://www.muslimah2muslimah.com/2009/03/to-pluck-or-not-to-pluck-that-is.html

Soo.... wow...Now I guess my eyebrows can breathe easy? No more plucking or threading? :/ Allah give me the strength to stay away from my tweezer...oooooh this will be a tough one!

Expectations...

I wonder what they expect from me...what he expects from me... I hope your expectations are not too high, too lofty, too grand because let's face it- i'm a loser! I don't have much to offer you and I doubt I will turn out the way you have pictured me... I'm not sweet, i'm not good looking, and i'm not very practical about life... so yeah... just putting that out there.. hope I didn't burst any bubbles here :)

The New Me?? :/

I feel different... i'm not angry all the time anymore, i'm not snippy and rude.... i don't have any sarcastic comebacks anymore... i'm actually nice (well, comparatively!) What happened to my edge? My 'screw-you' mentality? My smirks of contempt? It's as if I actually care about people! I think I would actually feel bad if someone were to trip and fall, before I would just point and laugh! I'm listening to sappy songs on my iPod (which is totally awesome!; thanks again =D) songs like heartbreaker and teenage dream! I'm not focusing on my assignments/projects/ papers.. I don't know...This is freaky.. this is weird.. this is sooo not me!! Maybe it's a good thing?...ugggh...who knows!

The Jealous Type

If something's mine-it's ONLY mine! I'm possessive, fiercely loyal, and won't take anyone interfering with my possessions in anyway! So back off, b^$#@ !!! >:)

I'm better than you- isn't it obvious?!

It's great that you're religious, that you value your beleifs and stay true to them always, but I guess I missed the part where that makes you better than me. You're wrapped up in 10 feet of fabric from head to toe and you ask me to take off my hijab and hand it over to you so you can pray?! Ummm... did your nikab cut off circulation to your brain woman?! What kind of request is that anyway? Do you honestly think I'd whip it off and cover you up in it? Like my hijab is less important than yours?

I dunno... people are weird! Somehow, religion has become a sort of status symbol that people pride over, distinguish themselves based on it, and make others seem inferior because of it. Hello! Have you forgotten a very important Islamic teaching- it's called humility- look it up!

Succession... hmphh

And I know you're shining down on me from heaven...

I don't want his money, or his property, or his belongings- I want him back! It's all his hard work and effort I wish he was still here to use it. Can't we just leave it all the way he left it? I know even Islam gives provisions about inheritance but I just don't want it. I just don't...

Goody-two-shoes

I've never done anything bad.. like something I would regret later.. like something stupid or reckless..something I know i shouldn't do... like... sheesh.. i can't even think of anything bad! I've always been the good girl, the nice quiet sweet girl. now people who know me for real know I'm not exactly that but my image, appearance, and behavior never betray my underlying personality. Sometimes I wish it did. Why am I always thinking of the consequences, forseeing the shitload of trouble I'd get in to or just what people would think of me if I did anything crazy. I guess I'm scared of getting hurt, embarrased or hurting people who care about me... I thought your teen years/ early-twenties was when you could let loose, do whatever, and you would be forgiven your mistakes- taken as an error in judgement. Why have I never thought this way- that mistakes I make now would be/ can be forgiven. I always felt that if I do something wrong, it'll haunt me forever. Man, I hate being sensible...this sucks- I wanna have fun!

Crap

so i just cleaned my room (actually just my dressing table) after about... one year! Dayem! i have a habit of collecting junk cuz i mite need it one day like the little plastic seal that comes off deodorant sticks (haven't found a use for it yet!) or dried up nail polishes (cuz they're too pretty to throw away) or packaging for a mascara that dried up a year ago (umm.. i dunno)

my next target is my desk. that'll be trickier cuz there more 'important' things on my desk like envelopes from last year's (and years before that) Eidis and receipts for the box of pens and gum i bought a few months ago and a few other emo stuff like uboo's blood sugar monitor and the boarding pass for that plane ride to NY which ended in Qatar. Speaking of that trip I still haven't unpacked the suitcase I took with me. It still has his medical reports and his medicines and other necessities in there. It even has a few of my clothes (no wonder i never have anything to wear!). The suitcase still has the blasted Qatar Airlines tag on it with that weird goat-head logo. *sigh* I dunno when I'll get up the nerve to get rid of this stuff. If i can hold on to a gum wrapper which means absolutely nothing to me for more than two years, how long do you think I can hold on to the things I took with me on that fateful trip?... I give myself... about ten years!

Loyal

Even if the sky is falling down?

Bubble Bursting

It amazes me how people can go on with their lives so oblivious to the facts and events around them. How they can be completely unaffected by things- trivial things, big things. They all seem to glide on past them without a second glance. Is it calousness? Or is it a defence mechanism? I used to be like that- clueless, oblvious, not a care in the world. Things would always turn out right. That was oblivion. Now it's my defence. If I start to think about all that's going on- the trivial and the not-so-trivial, I would literally explode. My world isn't rosy anymore and I don't have glasses tinted dark enough to hide the ugliness so it's better if I just close my eyes...

Just go with it

Here's a lil Desi lyrical touch:

Junglon mein bhee raaste tou hain

Humey bhee koee mil hee jaye ga

Chalo tho sahi, chalo tho sahi

Aitebar bhi ahee jaye ga

- Vital Signs

Rough translation: Just go with it. Why get caught up in things you really can't control and why should you be afraid of the unknown? Things tend to work out on their own and most people have the ability to adapt and make situations work for themselves. Then after the tough time is over we wonder how it could possibly be any other way. I'm letting go. If it's meant to be; it'll be. I don't want to drive myself crazy with my doubts, suspicions, over-the-top fears, and uncertainties. I know they will keep creeping in in the form of dreams (read: nightmares) but I have to have faith in Allah; He will never send anything my way that I won't be able to handle. And when I ask for it, He will definitely help me through it. Have Faith...

PS: Like the new look?

Smile for him

Yesterday marked a whole year since he left... its all still fresh in my mind..we had only left him a few hours ago and then it was his turn to leave us-forever.

I had written and even published a really heartfelt and i admit depressing post. i took it down cuz I don't wanna be sad when I think of him. Yes he's gone but I don't wanna cry when I think about it i wanna smile and thank Allah for the time He gave us together. And I hope his spirit feels my smile too.

Memory: Black marks on my bedroom wall. They've been there for years. They're from my dad's sandals that he used to chase away the nasty lizards that managed to sneak into my room. My daddy, my hero :)

Success Story... not quite

Am i just too idealistic? Do i expect too much out of people? If i want someone important in my life to be successful, to not settle for less, to go out and do what they love to do and are in fact good at, is that asking too much?

I imagine myself in their place and then want to shoot them for being so blind so ungrateful so freakin lazy! You have this opportunity to do things, to go out and make a name for yourself. Fine. Let's be practical you won't become an overnight success but for the love of god go out and TRY!!! Why settle for such an option that you know you're unworthy of. You deserve so much more, your family does... Why settle without a fight?

uh-oh

so it's been like two days since I've gotten done with everything- school and internship- and im totalllly bored!!! how am i gonna spend the next month with absolutely nothing to do!? oh and don't get me started on the stay-at-home-eat-on-sight weight gain eek!

Ventilation system

I actually went back and read all the posts I've put up so far. I started blogging when life had taken a very bad turn. At that time I was 100% sure we would get out of it fine, that it was just a scare and nothing more. But then it only got worse and I ended up losing my dad to it...

Of course the whole ordeal was heartbreaking and all the emotions and feelings I put into those posts are absolutely true. But the great thing about writing them at those low points when I'm feeling my worse is that they actually lessen those emotions as if as soon those thoughts are translated into words and sent off into cyberspace I'm immediately relieved of them. I don't have to torture myself with them or face them silently. They're out there in the open no longer hidden no longer haunting me-my perfect way to heal. Of course there's a lot more healing to do as this scar runs way deep but I'm getting there one post at a time...

Freaky dreams

All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy

And my heart is broken

All my scars are open

Tell them what I hoped would be

Impossible, impossible

-Shontelle

Have you ever had a dream that stuck with you the whole day and every time you think about it it brings back the same feelings? I have a few of those dreams most are pleasant, joyful even. But some are... painful.

These past few weeks I was happy. I was working in the same office my daddy used to work. It's nice to meet people who knew him and remember him in such honorable terms. I liked being known around the office as his daughter. then today this dream, this vision totally brought me down. I'm not sure of the details but it just reminded me that he's gone that he won't be there for any future events; for the tough times; for the happy times; for support; for strength; for courage... Life sucks as it is and to go through it without the one who always has your back; the one who would never hurt you or abandon you? Life sucks tenfold!

I know people care about me but it's not the same. It can never be the same. This is something I thought would be impossible... God give me strength!!

Clueless

Two years later and I'm still clueless...

Cordoba House, oh excuse me, Park51

Im gonna start completly off topic but i just have to say I lovvvvve typing on my cute lil laptop. It's not really mine it's on loan for my internship but it totally makes typing a breeze and it actually inspires you to write (jsut so you can hear the clickety click of the keys)
warm n happy love love love!!!!!

Now to Cordoba House..What is wrong with people? So what if they're building an Islamic Culture Center near Ground Zero? How is that offensive? How can people be protesting it? Has anyone ever protested the construction of a church, synagogue or temple? No! Americans are going overboard in their Islamophobia and in New York City of all places! I might even see it happening down south but in the melting pot of the world? seriously? that's just uggh unbelievable. I was reading some bias-ass loser's 'newspaper' article (if you can call that journalism)and they compared building this center to erecting a monument to kamikaze fighters at Pearl Harbor. That's so...ummm...wrong! How can a few apparent 'moslems' who carried out a cruel act represent the whole Islamic faith? It really makes no sense. Is the Christian faith deemed evil if a few priests commit crude acts? It's the person not the faith they claim to follow so stop painting all Muslims and Islam with the same 'terrorist brush'.
And besides this center is for the whole community to gather and meet, not for alienating others from Islam. So you can quit your whining and protesting already! Bunch of ignorant racist moops! (just watched that episode of Seinfeld!)
One point bothers me though is that they changed the name from Cordoba House to Park51 how lame is that? Anyway, I hope New Yorkers grow a brain and stop protesting the project.. are they even true New Yorkers? If they were I doubt they'd even give a damn about some new building being constructed fuhgeddaboutit!

On the Clock

Right now I'm literally on the clock. I took some time out cuz I got really bored reading up on and preparing a report on the research process. It got me thinking though, as usual, I just started contemplating different scenarios and possibilities.

This time I was thinking about working full time. Its not about money, its not about getting to the top, its not about being power hungry and its not about being a hot shot. (hey that rhymed sort of)...The little work experience that I have had, I know I enjoyed it thoroughly. I like being associated with something bigger than me, to particiapte in making things happen, to be productive and useful and of course a paycheck only makes it sweeter. i wonder though that after I stop studying (I was gonna say complete my studies but I still have the teeny tiny desire to study further but not any time soon) so after I stop studying I wonder if I would be able to step into the business world and shake things up. I wonder if i would be able to manage my responsibilites completly. The work-life balance is a tricky one to master and I doubt if I am one to do it well. I would love to tho I mean that would be awesome but both sides are so demanding of your time, energy, and patience. How do these women handle it all? i'm sure they have domestic help something I totally despise (why should i have some poor woman run around and clean up my mess? so what if she's paid to do it?! It just seems i dunno irresponsible and snooty) and I'm sure they feel they're missing out on some things- if they give more time to work they miss out at home and if they take time out for the home they get left back at work. It's a sticky situation. but i keep thinking about how rewarding it would be to work-not just the money the internal satisfaction and pride you feel when you know you've finished something or been a part of something huge (or small). I dunno.. i do know i wanna work i just don't know how i'll manage it all...........

Waiting

Just waiting for it.. I know its coming just don't know when

fake fake fake

I was trying to fly but I couldn't find wings...

Taylor Swift

Contacts/networks/sources only work when the original 'contact-maker' is involved in the process. No one really recognizes the daughter of said contact-maker and no one really gives a damn when the contact-maker is not in the picture. Sure they'll throw you a bone for old time's sake but then they kinda give you the impression like 'seriously you thought we would take you in?! haha uh.. no!' and sure they're really nice, polite, and 'caring' but when it comes down to it they just aren't gonna help. It's funny how people change when circumstances change. It's funny how you don't know people's motives and intentions beforehand. I wish people could stay steadfast and pure in their intentions. I wish for a lot of silly things don't I? I expect too much from humanity. When will I get it through my thick skull that people aren't nice, they don't care, they have their own motivations and helping out someone else's kid for the sake of helping someone out is not one of them. Well you know what man, I am my father's daughter i can manage without your help. I'm not some poor soul, defenseless, and lost. I have my Almighty's love and my daddy's spirit right by my side so screw you and your fake support! :P

Next day retraction: Some people are nice, like really really nice. See the world ain't so bad

I wish I was.... me!

Despite my many (many) flaws I've come to forgive myself for whatever. For not being so smart with numbers, for not being a social butterfly, for not living up to my own expectations at times, for not getting what I set out to get. Whatever, it's all good! No one can be great at everything and no one can have it all. And yeah I do have an external locus of control. I beleive in destiny- it'll be if it's meant to be. I can't fight what's already been set out for me. It's taken me time to realize it but now I'm comfortable in my own skin. I like me and I don't ever wish I was anyone else. Of course I do wish I can keep improving myself and grow into something better but that 'something better' should be an improved picture of me- not a reflection of anyone else.


It surprises me when people complain about how they wish they were different somehow, had things that others have, had that girl's hair, her eyes, her personality. Seriously? why? Why can't you be happy with what you have? Appreciate your own attributes? You do have it you just don't want to see it. You just like wallowing in self-pity. Be happy with you, content with what you have, grateful for it all. just for a second imagine not even having this much... (sends a chill down your spine right?)


I mean, it's such a drag to hear people go on and on about how they suck at this or aren't good enough for that. Get over it man! Look at what you do have!! Look at what you can do!! If you just realize that, you'll be a much happier person. And maybe I won't have to hear you complain anymore :)

My Selfish Mind

Now when I think about what happened, a small flashback even, it hits me like a pile of bricks; my stomach lurches, my mind reels. Did all that really happen? My sweet daddy went through all that pain for real? Did I just imagine all those horrible things? Can he really be gone? Isn't' he just back in NY? You must be lying- he's not gone. He's right there! Why don't you see him? Why can't I see him? Why am i forgetting? God, my memory sucks. Every painful thing it wipes away. Let me hold on to them you selfish defense mechanism! Those are my memories- how dare you erase them! And why are you also screwing with my happy memories? I'm forgetting the sound of his voice, the way he walked, the way he held the phone to his ear, his laugh, the way the world seemed perfectly safe when he hugged me, his favorite cologne, the way he ate.. It's all getting fuzzy....not good NOT good!!!

Its his birthday today. He would be 60. I can't remember one birthday of his we didn't celebrate maybe it was just an e-card or a childish hand-made one with glitter and hearts or at least a special dinner. *sigh* Allah bless his soul, he was such a sweet man.

Redemption

If we crawl till we can walk again

then we'll run until we're strong enough to jump

then we'll fly until there is no end

-Chris Brown

Note: I was boycotting Chris Brown for the past year cuz he was such a jerk for beating up Rihanna but I think he has redeemed himself with this song (only a little tho)

What would it feel like to do something so awful and ruthless? to cause such irreparable damage to another person? why are there cruel people in the world? And what about those tortured souls who kill others- where do they get their hatred from? and why do good people have to suffer at their hands? *sigh* this world sucks.......

Nooooooo!

Why did they have to restrict YouTube?!! What did poor YouTube do? Fine block Facebook but YouTube!?!!? *sigh*

And besides blocking Facebook in response to this immature and childish attempt to mock Muslims is quite futile in my opinion. If people are that ignorant, cruel, and pig-headed, no amount of protest, rants and rallies will change their minds. No matter how many logical level-headed comments I've posted in defense of Islam, the Prophet (PBUH), hijab or women's rights on various forums it hardly ever has any effect. The next few posts are again degrading crude comments based on stereotypical and biased assumptions.

So what will banning Facebook and YouTube do for our cause? You can't change their minds, they're stuck in their pitiful and disgusting states; why bother with them?!

Funny, Ain't it?

It's funny how people think I'm nice, smart, sweet, pretty(=/), and an overall perfect girl! HAHAHA!!

Dude, you have no idea! I guess it's my appearance. i look like a freakin baby! and my squeaky voice doesn't help much! nor does the fact that i'm totally dependant on my mama! wow! the perfect girl is just a perfect baby not the image of perfection per se. As for my smartness (see that's not even a word!) or (dare i say) good looks in my opinion i have neither in enviable amounts. I admit I might be nice sometimes to people who don't know me too well but overall im kind of a jerk, obnoxious and rude. So yeah i just wish i could stop deluding people :/

Stifled Scream

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

there now that feels better :)

Zoom Zoom

I was going through my old semester files and came across my Speech Communication write-up about 'my passion'. I had so much fun giving that speech it was perfectly delivered and I got the reactions I was hoping for. That speech really changed a lot of things for me. The biggest thing was that I realized I'm not a bad public speaker especially when I'm talking about something truly important to me. I really admire my Speech Comm. teacher Dr. Huma Naz Baqai and i was thrilled that I got good feedback from her. If you're interested here's my speech:

I’m passionate about.... cars! I know you could never tell by looking at me but its true! Im just obsessed about cars especially sports cars. You know the ones that have the $100,000 plus price tags, sleek bodies and amazing features. I’m just crazy about them. And not the typical mustangs, corvettes and hot rods. I like only a select few like the Nissan 350z and the Lexus IS and the Mitsubishi eclipse.

I guess its because I have this fascination with speed and moving at a fast pace. Sports cars stand for just that. Thrills, excitement, and precision movements. It just seems so irresistible. I honestly don’t care about the difference between a V6 and a V8 engine or what kind of shock absorbers are in the car. I’m only interested in its design and structure the colors the interior and all the cool gadgets inside like navigation systems and this new start/stop button which replaces the traditional key.

I also feel that this passion has changed my personality because im always trying to move be quick and get things done. As my friends may tell you sometimes I get a little too pushy when I want to get something done.

I realized this passion when I was still living in New York and was around 13 years old. when I saw my first favorite car- the new Volkswagen Beetle. It’s a really compact and cute car and this young woman was driving it and she just looked so happy and satisfied and in control of her life and I thought I could be that girl someday with my own amazing car and the freedom to do whatever I wanted. And that’s what driving and cars represent for me a sense of liberation freedom and power. Then I thought that if I am driving why not drive an incredibly amazing car?

So that’s how it started and kind of got out of control. When we would go out somewhere I would be on the lookout for new cars when id spot one id like I would go home and order its brochure online. And when I got it in the mail I’d be satisfied for a few days till I got the next one. (Hold up Nissan) this is just one of the brochures I have ordered the rest of the stash is at home.

But that all changed when I came to Pakistan. I only got to see Suzuki’s, Toyotas and Hondas and my passion simmered down. But its still there and surfaces sometimes when I hear about a new car like the Porsche 911 GT2 which is my current favorite or watch movies like the Fast and the Furious.

As I mentioned earlier driving is important to me because it gives me a sense of control and small amount of power. My parents didn’t realize how important it was to me till I constantly pestered them into letting me take driving lessons. Even I was apprehensive at first considering Karachi’s absurd traffic but I willed myself to push forward and go for it. Then finally this past summer I took driving lessons and felt totally at ease

I just like to imagine myself driving my car on an open road, my favorite music playing the rhythmic dance of the clutch-brake-gas and the hum of the engine and being in control of everything. It may sound dramatic but it puts an image of hope and aspiration when I daydream about my car.

So perhaps one day I could open my own car showroom, or someday be in a position to actually buy one or maybe all my dream cars but for now im content with just dreaming about them because it doesn’t hurt to dream right?

Good times :)

Just a Boring Sunday

It's one of those days, when you have too much free time and your mind starts to wander. my mind usually wanders back in time to when things seemed simpler, easier, happier

I was recalling lazy Sundays when we would wake up late. Me and mama would make 'unda and paratha'- uboo's favorite breakfast. then we'd all read our newspapers, joke around, talk about vacation plans and then the Sunday visitors would start coming, mostly Uboo's friends. He'd ask me to make chai or sharbat depending on whether the guests were in a hurry. But mostly it was chai cuz after all my daddy was great company to be around and they wouldn't want to leave too quickly. And when I would bring him the tray he would just smile at me ( the kind of smile only me and Uboojee shared hehe) and my annoyance of having to do kitchen work on a Sunday would just wash away. Then as evening fell and there was nothing else to do, we would all coax Uboo into taking us out for dinner. Sometimes he'd only agree to go someplace nearby but then other times he'd take us to the nicest restaurant in the city- no reason, no celebration just because. Those were the best kinds of Sundays- Lazy yet spontaneous, but most of all, happy :)

My Pride

The Philosophy professor said something today that hit me like a brick. He was talking about when something you deeply love, something very dear to you di- (i can't say it) .. passes away, it changes you, it transforms you into something so different you're unrecognizable. He called it a paradigm shift. Knowing that the thing (or person) you cherished is now lying in a deep dark cold grave; you can never be the same. You become humble, more honest, more practical, the world seems a less welcoming place to live; things that once seemed so important that you would devote hours to them now seem trivial and unworthy of your time. The saddest thing he said was that you can't pride over them anymore you have nothing to show to the world now. All that love compassion and emotions that created this pure relationship are gone. It leaves you hollow like some part of you was carved out, chisled away. Thinking about that just made me feel so empty but then I thought WAIT A MINUTE!. I'm still my father's daughter, I still have the love he gave me, i still have his support and encouragement, I still have all he's taught me, I still have him with me maybe not in person but in mind, spirit and heart. So there, you silly old 'lover of wisdom'. You ain't so wise after all! =P

Stay strong and carry on...

I've been reading again and rediscovering things I once knew and let slip my mind. How could I let myself get so caught up in this life when there is one more after this? One much more important and eternal. Even with such a stark reminder of it in my life, i went on as if oblivious to it all. Yes, i acknowledged it but did I really envision it? Did I really grasp it? I don't think, so otherwise I wouldn't be so weak, ungrateful and loserly. I would be making an effort to please Allah rather than wasting my time in redundant activities. I rediscovered an old nasheed I used to listen to when i was younger and it brought such a flash of insight and i didn't like what i saw in myself. This world as horrible and painful as it is still grasps you and holds your attention that you forget whats truly important- your eternal life.

I think one good way of staying on track is to review your day every night. Note what you didn't like about what you did and avoid it the next day. But that's the thing how can you be sure of the next day or even the next hour?! My soul could pass on this very moment and it will be bearing these deeds ( of which I am sure the evil ones weigh heaviest). I'm reminded of another nasheed "What did I do Today?". Did I use my time; did I use my mind; if I search my heart what will I find; the light of your guidance is a glimmering ray; tell me what did i do today?

I just pray I can follow through with my intentions of improving myself-boy do I need it!

Street View

Google is insane. I just discovered Google street view and ummm... dayem! You can see every detail every pothole and every patch on the roads. You can even see the beige aluminum siding on the traitor's house and his ugly minivan in the driveway; the dead end; the house with the crazy dog; you can even see the house on the corner of Fallwood that was always mysteriously changing owners; the grocery store we would go to alll the time and walk only on the brown tiles (well at least i did!); the park at the end of Kent where we went to see the Columbus Day fireworks with the cousins; the flashback-to-yesteryears Main Street where we would go to get surprise birthday and anniversary presents for mama and uboo; go a little further and see the halal meat store we'd go to and get a little taste of Karachi ; go further and see the cousins' house in Queens where we spent countless afternoons and lazy weekends and then... stand in the same spot where my daddy proudly took a picture of his new apartment we were supposed to spend our summer vacations. The images just left me feeling empty yet overwhelmed; gutted yet satisfied; bittersweet I guess. I wish we were all there together again I wish we had more time together I wish we could all share in the same memories especially the ones to come... Life seems so incomplete without you all... my family... my heart... feels lost... just come back home!

Looking Up

Things are looking better; people are looking better; I feel better. Yeah things aren't so great but they could always get worse. So keep looking ahead, it'll be alright!

All that I'm after is a life full of laughter

As long as I'm laughing with you

I'm thinkin' that all that still matters is love ever after

After the life we've been through

-Chris Daughtry

No One Lives Here Anymore

It's my house, I've been living here for 7 years now and never have I felt scared anxious or freaked out, not once. It's the same house I look at in pictures and in home videos. What's changed? But a couple of nights ago when I went on the roof for a bit I actually got shivers and goosebumps as if I had a premonition of something really really bad. What something? I'm not quite sure of that but it was scary and I wished I could have just ran away. This feeling of intense fear and dread spread over me as easily as the cool night air rustled the branches of the neem tree across the street. It seemed as if something evil was watching me, waiting for the perfect moment to strike, waiting for me to lose my guard and then it would pounce, attacking my very being and all those that are important to me. And all this happened within a span of a few seconds. My mind visualized all these gruesome and horrid images so fluidly as if they once truly did happen right before my eyes. You can be sure i ran downstairs in a panic but not before slamming the roof's metal door to scare away whatever evil lurked near my house. What was that? Why did my mind show me such horrible things? Will I really lose the people I care about? What's wrong? It's as if it's just me now and no one lives here anymore....

Some things better left unsaid

the previous post(which you now cannot see cuz i removed it) may have been a lil too i dunno weird but whatever if it turns out to be an issue i'll post it back up but for now let's just leave it unsaid :)

Individualist?

free enneagram test
This Enneagram Type Test says Im a type 4- an individualist:
Basic Fear: That they have no identity or personal significance
Basic Desire: To find themselves and their significance (to create an
identity)
Enneagram Four with a Three-Wing: "The Aristocrat"
Enneagram Four with a Five-Wing: "The Bohemian"
Key Motivations: Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a "rescuer."


Sure I am moody and self-conscious and I try to hide reality through fantasy and imagination but an individualist? I never saw myself that way...hmmm.. interesting..

It's Time

I stopped wearing your watch a few days ago. I guess because when I asked myself why am I wearing this? I couldn't come up with any sane answers. they mostly included cuz it was my daddy's! (so?) ; cuz I should keep it safe for him (.....) ; cuz it reminds me of him (aawww) ; and others which my heart can't properly communicate to my brain. Its not that I want to forget you or anything , as if that's even possible, I just thought I should give myself a break I mean it was kind of like an emotional burden travelling around with me throughout my day always reminding me of why Im wearing the watch and not him. So i just didn't put it on one morning and that was that, I felt better, a little relieved from the burden, and my heart didn't have to break everytime I looked at my wrist... i still keep it safe on my desk so its all good...love you!

Self-Sabotage

You can't really put a measure on stupidity, can you? Oh wait you can,- a 0/30!!!

I think somewhere in the back of my mind I want to fail, I want to do poorly otherwise WHY would I make such ridiculous mistakes? I mean i study really hard before these retarded tests, I totally get it when im revising, then what the hell happens during the test?! I freak out, I panic - a 30 mark question- I can't get this wrong, I overthink and screw up, then I mope around for awhile and get over it. But why does this happen every friggen time?! Why can't I just get it right? Loser!!

Just Imagining...

Half of my heart's got a real good imagination

Half of my heart's got you...

-John Mayer

I wish I could read people's minds, some people's more than others. I wish I knew what they were thinking; what they really felt- about life, about their future, about me. What are your dreams?, your vision of a perfect life? where do I fit in? Do I even fit in, as in me, not just any person, I mean me...including my many many flaws (and far far less perfections).... Just wondering is all....

A little more than useless

Well if your plane fell out of the skies

Who would you call with your last goodbye?

-Kris Allen

I sometimes wonder if anything I do ever makes an impact. Do my actions really cause any reactions, any repercussions in this world? Have I really ever helped anyone?; scarred anyone?inspired anyone?; became irreplaceable to anyone? My contributions to people around me are so few and unnoticeable and I'm afraid I never will be a significant piece of their lives.

Which makes me think if I truly deserve all these amazing things (and people) in my life. I never did much good to justify my having this blessed life. I know I'm always thankful for it but did I really earn it? Doesn't it seem like someone else out there is more deserving; someone more pious, more honest, more honorable? It just boggles me at times then I get caught up in everything and these thoughts get whisked away like a candy wrapper on a breezy day; but they always manage to come creeping back in...

6 months later

Its kinda hard with you not around

Know you in heaven smiling down

Watching us while we pray for you

Every day we pray for you

nope, i still can't grasp the fact that he's not coming home again.......

Dreams Suck 2

Again, they really do!!!

I just had a dream about him last night. he was in the hospital, perfectly happy healthy he looked great to me... he was annoyed at being kept there for so long..he needed to get up, get to work, get out of that dreadful dreary room but those stupid doctors were keeping him for no reason. then me and him decided to sneak out... i un-hooked all those horrid IVs gushing poison into my daddy he sprung up off the bed and we ran out of there before those monstrous nurses could get us... i woke up thinking he was home, in his room, probably getting ready to go to work... imagine my dismay when i realized that was so from the truth...

And it's funny that i only remember him happy and healthy i have very little recollection of how he looked when he was sick. being the deranged person that i am, i took pictures of him during that time but i can't bring myself to look at them...i only want to see him in my mind's eye as he always was- strong, sweet and happy...

Rambling

i have a lot many thoughts floating, actually, whizzing around in my mind right now and im afraid i can't get them translated into coherent words and sentences fast enough. but i can tell you this much, they're all revolving around this one nasty word: